Jigsaw puzzle............ (Jen)

   Today... I wondered if there was anything left to say.  Mark gave you the update of where we stand.. which of course is not much different than where we stood when we started this blog back in October of 2009, other than.. we are almost 2 years older!

    We spent the morning together before Mark departed for a business trip that would keep him away from me for a few days. Him not being in the same state is about the only thing that keeps us from seeing each other during the week...  our morning was spent not being sad because he was going away but, as our time usually is. After our love making we sat in comfortable chatter, sharing stories of the week, reliving moments of our past growing up.. learning more and more about the people we came to be before we became Mark and Jen. I know enough about his family and friends and co-workers to feel as if I do know them although we have never met.  The number of times during those couple of hours that we tell each other "I love you honey" or "you make me so happy" can't even be recounted because the words flow so freely. He makes me laugh like no one else can. Our sense of humors are so similar that.. we often say  or type the same smart ass remark at the same time.

     I want you all to know that... yes.. when Mark told me he wasn't ready to leave his kids nor was he sure when he would be ready... My heart broke.  I felt every piece of the puzzle begin to unravel.  I was still going to be hiding in the shadows... fearful we might get caught... lying to friends and family.... spending weekends alone while the world celebrated.  I asked him to let me go... to let me find someone who could give me all the things he couldn't... to have my life back and not have to wait for someone to think I was important enough to stand up for. He said he would ... he didn't want to hurt me anymore. So, we said our tearful goodbyes, wished each other well.. and began our non contact. It was pretty easy.. he was on a family vaca in Florida so... seeing each other was out of the question... and I stayed offline and turned off my phone for most of the week so I wouldn't be tempted.  Joined the singles sites and started the grueling process of looking at profiles... reading emails and responding in kind... Trying, trying ... trying to start life over.

    Going through the motions.. and going so far as setting up coffee dates and a meet for drinks.

   Finally realizing.... you can't replace love with a stand in.  You don't just get another guy when the guy you love is still in your heart.   I couldn't even bring myself to get another dog right away after mine was put down.. because,  you need to grieve and accept and be ready to love again.  What made me think I could just find another Mark to fill in?

    Seems silly... but... I am picking up the pieces of my life and filling in the puzzle as I find them. This is a big 1000 piece jigsaw and it's going to take some time to get it all together and figure out what the final picture looks like.

   In my heart of hearts... I hope it has Mark and I together, sharing our lives, our families and our love... but, it all remains to be seen.

    He seems certain... and ... I can't help but believe him

Still .... (An update from Mark)

Well, needless to say its been a while since we last checked in here. A long while. So many things have happened since that October breakup, that any attempts to enumerate them would be feeble. We've broken up ... we've gotten back together .. we've broken up again. Through it all, Jen started her own blog, Diary of a Break, which many of you have faithfully followed, including myself. Craving some attention of my own, I started my own blog, which lasted all of about 2 1/2 days before that foolish idea came crashing down. Many of you have kept in touch with Jen via email and comments on her blog, while I have taken a long hiatus from the blogging world. Why you might ask? Frankly, it turned me into someone I am not. I was morphing myself into a different person, one that I didn't like very much. And I just had to get back to who I was ... the person I was before the October breakup .... And just being away from it all has helped me do that.

And through it all -- as it stands on this spring morning in May -- Jen and I are still together .... No, not in the sense that she or I would like it to be .... No, not the fairy tale ending -- yet ... But we are still together and so very much in love. More today than yesterday. More so now than ever. Still each others best friend .. lover .. confidante .. soul mate .... But still almost two years after we started this wonderful journey ... Jen remains the "other woman". Hiding in the shadows. Me a real "somebody" in her life ... but as she reminds me, her a "nobody" in mine. Now of course I will argue that point up and down -- she consumes my thoughts every minute of every day and I move heaven and earth to make time to see her most nearly every weekday -- but nobody sees her point more than I do, and frankly, I want "the dream" just as much if not more than she does.

But right now .. at this very moment ... May, 2011... I can't leave my kids ... Not as they enter those critical teen years. And I told Jen that ... Finally ... That was a big step for me -- for both of us -- in that I've never been able to tell her that before in so many words. Because to tell you the truth, I wasn't convinced of that myself. I am still unwavering in knowing that I will leave someday -- there isn't a shred of doubt in my mind -- but its just not today. So as big a step as it was for me to admit that, it was even bigger knowing that I couldn't hold Jen back any longer. I had to let her move on from all this ... Find someone that she could spend her years doing the things she always wanted to do with me. Saturday night movies, holidays with her family, Sunday afternoons at the beach -- all those things she can't do as the "other woman". And as hard as it was for me to admit I couldn't leave my kids, it was even harder knowing I might have to let her go.

But still we persevere. Still we survive. Because nothing is stronger than the love we share for each other. Yes, its easy to say she or I have to move on, but when it comes down to it, you just don't "move on" from your best friend and lover. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I called her and asked "Do you ever imagine a time when we're not part of each others lives?" I know I don't. But Jen said if she ever really wanted to move on with her life, that yes, it would be almost impossible with me still in it.

But still here we are. Some two years later, still emailing each other every day. Still IM'ing every day. Three, sometimes four phone calls each day. Still seeing each other multiple times per week. Still laughing together. Still crying together. And still making passionate love together.

And I know in my heart, that someday we'll have that dream. Yes, I know I've said it a thousand times and yes, admittedly nothing much has changed from my perspective, but still I haven't lost sight of that. That dream won't be quelled until its become reality.

And it will be.