Let the countdown begin....

In about 71 hours...  I will be in a place I often dream about.

No, not the Carribean, not Capri,  not even  Las Vegas. 

I will be right here... in my own home.. in my own room, in my own bed. This time though, I won't be alone.  I will lie in bed next to the man who makes my heart flutter, brings that huge smile to my face and truly makes my day better.


As the 'girlfriend/mistress' I almost never get to sleep next to the man I love.  As a  matter of fact, in the 14 months  we have been together... we have slept in the same bed only 3 times. 

I envy those of you who have the luxury of that every night.  Feeling his warm body next to yours, his breath on your neck, his arms wrapped around you especially during those dreadful storms.  Waking up to hear his lips whisper "I love you" as he kisses you good morning to start  the day.  Ohhhh, how lucky you are.

On Tuesday night,  I get to have Mark all to myself... in my house, in my room and in my bed.. until the morning light.. and you know what ?

There is nowhere else in this world I would rather be.

Within you, without you....

"and life flows on within you and without you" George Harrison

It's been rather quiet you may have noticed.

Things took a rather sharp right turn in the "saga of Mark and Jen"... notably.. a break down and break up.

I have been on this tumultuous ride.. emotionally. As Mark always says.. 'our high are high but, our lows are low.' It's been stated before how lonely I get and despite Marks efforts to make some time for me everyday.. the alone time, especially when the weather starts to get nice, gets harder.

You want to be out in the park with your guy, at the outdoor concerts, strolling along the river, hanging out with your friends in the backyard around a fire with a beer. This time of year is very exhausting for Mark.. he is involved in so many of his kids activities (and his children are very active) meaning, he is running morning til night. Add to that the fact that his job is stressful and his Mom is very ill and the man is carrying a heavy load. Now, also in the plus column.. put a girlfriend who wants more of your time and this whole equation gets almost impossible to solve... way too many variables.

The decision for us to take a break came after he had a rough Father's Day. I won't get into specifics but "the wife" made the day miserable for him... He texted me several times saying what a terrible day it was. My heart sank.. but, helpless all I could do was offer kind words and an ear. I thought he had reached a breaking point.

We spent the next day on our blanket having lunch and chatting about the past week and the events of the previous day. My emotional state has been on a sense of high alert for awhile... and an upcoming therapy appointment always adds to my anxiety. She knows of my affair and after having seen me through my terrible marriage and helping me be strong enough to get out of that.. she certainly feels I am sabotaging my life and setting myself up for major heartbreak. Therefore, I get very wound up for days before I know I am seeing her.

Let's fast forward and save you ALL the torrid details...
Monday.. the blanket session ended with tears and me accusing Mark of never being able to leave if after that Fathers Day fiasco.. he could still walk back into the house everyday like nothing happened. He asked for a day to talk to her.. and see if she wanted out as much as he did. I agreed to that. The "talk" turned into a battle and she just ran him over.. but, pretty much summed it up as.. let's just get along for the kids.
Tuesday ... nothing.. Mark is still reeling and trying to sort this all out.
Wednesday... I take the day off to work on some house stuff.. which also turns out to be impossible and expensive. In frustration and tears... I leave the house for hours to sit in a park and watch people, couples and families... enjoy life.
Thursday... we have an incredible morning together.. making love for hours before we have to head off to work. My afternoon appointment looming.

It ends badly. My therapist makes so many points I can't counter or defend. Am I crazy? Affairs are so much easier when they are about the sex.. but.. when the heart takes over.. they don't work. Marks LIFE is at home.. with his "wife" and 3 kids.. and I don't fit in anywhere there. I look terrible.. I feel terrible. Emotionally and physically.. I am drained and so is he. I need to give him back to them.. and move on.

SO, Thursday.. that was the decision I made.
Never did I imagine how hard that would be.