So its been awhile since I wrote about anything with substance. After a few months of HNT's, toy reviews, sexcapade recaps, etc. Jen and I thought it was a good time to document the state of our relationship, i.e., where are we relative to "The Plan" we had discussed right after the holidays. We both wrote our posts in parallel, without consulting each other as to what we planned to write. Aside from the Beatles lyrics as post titles (I did see her "Ticket to Ride" title before I posted my story), any commonalities between our stories is purely coincidental. You can read them in any order .. Click here for Jen's side of the story.
What always drives these little re-evaluations we have is Jen's visit to her therapist. They are quite a traumatic event for her because frankly, the therapist isn't exactly president of the Mark "Fooled Around and Fell In Love" fan club. Personally, I just think she needs a Cyberglass G. So the appointment came and went and as always, Jen was very emotional afterward. So we got together the next day at her house, and while we didn't intend to discuss things, we just couldn't help ourselves and end up having a good cry over things.
So here's the latest... Somehow despite the fact that I'm married and rarely miss any of my kids sports activities and events at school (which include school softball, town softball, high school baseball, town baseball (coach), travel baseball (coach), girls basketball, high school fall basketball, high school summer basketball, ski club (chaperone), travel soccer, track, cross country (coach) and high school football - Oh my, this is starting to feel like a Barefoot Dreamer post!!! ), Jen and I still manage to get together almost every single weekday. Either for lunch, a late afternoon visit, mornings, or even sometimes in the evening -- somehow we pull it off almost every Monday through Friday. Now I'm sure any of you reading this that are in a similar situation are green with envy and saying to yourself "Wow! We only WISH we could spend that much time together... And you're complaining?" Well, the fact of the matter - yes - its just not enough. Weekends apart are brutal, and now heading into the summer months here in the Northeast where every church lawn fete, outdoor concert, art festival, backyard barbecue, 5K run and golf scramble is crammed into about 8 weekends of summer -- things that Jen and I can't do together -- its going to get worse before it gets better.
So all this has been weighing on her mind. And its weighing on my mind. Even though my weekends are incredibly busy, I find myself agonizing over wondering how SHE'S getting through it without me. Her kids are pretty much on their own, and it bothers me terribly knowing that she's spending a Saturday night or a Sunday afternoon alone. I keep replaying it over and over in my head -- "She deserves better than this.. She deserves to be out to dinner on a Saturday night. She deserves to be made love to on a Sunday morning. She deserves to be at the beach on a Sunday afternoon. We could be laying in bed together right now watching the Yankees game". I get so mad at myself for putting her in this situation, that it makes me cranky, irritable and basically unpleasant to be around on weekends. While I'm surrounded by so many people at all the activities I participate in, I feel so terribly alone.
And now what I've essentially done is put myself in a position where I can't make anyone happy. Jen's not happy when we're apart and the wife certainly isn't happy since I'm detached, cantankerous and ornery when I'm not with Jen. And what bothers me the most is I've invested so much of myself with Jen and with my family and what do I have to show for it? A bunch of unhappy people, is all.
And Jen's response to all this? "Then why Mark are we doing this to ourselves. Why CAN'T we both be happy, the only way we know how, which is together?" And my answer is still the same .. The same as it was in July of 2009 when we got into this, the same as it was during the Christmas holidays, the same as it is today heading into the summer.
While my teenage son won't give me the time of day, my young girls still adore me. They were helping me in the yard this past weekend, giving me a hand in the garage -- things we have done together every spring since they were old enough to walk. Things they plan on doing with me next year and the year after that and the year after that. And I break down when I tell Jen this, but next spring when its time to do all these things again and I'm not there ..... Well ...... I can't even finish typing the sentence ...
And Jen will tearfully say to me "I can't ever see you leaving ..."
But that's where I disagree. You see, I can see myself leaving as that's why I got into this position in the first place. That's WHY I created the profile on Ashley Madison. I knew my marriage was essentially over and I wanted to position myself with someone that I could be with forever when the hammer finally came down on it. Now of course I had envisioned that would be 3, 4, heck .. 5 years down the road when the girls were off to college. But then Jen came along. And after 3 months I knew that I wanted to be with this woman forever ... starting NOW....
How long can I keep doing this to her? How many more lonely weekends can I make her endure? How many more sessions where the therapist asks her "So .... any update on THE PLAN? What has he done to change his situation?" And the answer is "nothing"? I know and understand I can't drag her along forever.
But then again -- I can't give her up. I can't even comprehend the thought of her not being in my life. It frightens me.. No ... it TERRIFIES me. Not only would I lose a lover .. the woman I have waited for all of my life .. I would lose my best friend. We have become such an integral part of each others lives .. to throw that all away and not have that to me is unthinkable.
And that's what drives me. I know in my heart-of-hearts that this fairy tale is all going to play out. Our dreams WILL come true. I've never been more confident of anything in my life.. But when prompted for some tangible evidence that I'm ready to move in that direction? Well, so far I haven't been able to produce anything. Nada. Zero. Zilch.
But I'm not giving it up. Ever.
3 weeks ago