We apologize for not posting much of late, but our roller coaster ride (that we so often call this relationship) has been on a bumpy track these days. There have been so many day to day issues that become problems.. mostly for me of course. Mark has the glass half full outlook almost always. It is I who struggles with the emotional break downs. This past weekend as well as the one before have led to what has come close to our final goodbye. We decided to both post our separate feelings over the last couple weeks and the strain it has been for us in our different ways. So please read them both.
I struggle through weekends. I think I have mentioned that before. Not only because I don't get to see Mark, but the thoughts of the “family” time breaks my heart and my mood. Just a reminder of our situation... I am single, Mark is the married father of 3 kids all under the age of 14. Two of my young adult children still live with me, but they aren't hanging out with Mom these days. So visions of Mark with the family... visiting friends, or celebrating birthdays or graduations as I work in the yard or on the house alone oft times leads to dark days for this half of the equation. Consequently, my mood affects Mark and we are both end up feeling crappy due to my doldrums.
A couple weekends ago, as most weekends.. we weren't going to see each other. Mark was busy with kid/family/sport stuff.. Our usual Monday get together was hindered due to our work schedules.. I had the weekend blues. Mark tries hard to keep in contact with me via phone, text or IM. I seldom go more than a couple hours without some sort of update but, I was just feeling sorry for myself. While everyone else is having fun time.. I am alone and questioning everything. How can I be so loved by someone and still feel so alone? Didn’t I get out of an unhappy 25 year marriage so the last part of my life would be happy and peaceful? I keep hearing the words of my therapist saying..” He holds all the cards.. you do nothing but wait. How long are you going to let this tear you apart? What has he done to make you believe he will ever leave?” So many questions.. and I have no answers.
We finally got to have some time together Tuesday and I could barely look at him without welling up with tears. I truly feel that I am in a situation where I can't win. He loves his children more than life itself.. and who in their right mind could find fault with that?. I could tell by our conversation of that day if I asked him to choose, I would lose. I fear the outcome of this crazy ride.
After my second tough weekend, my morning email told of my frustration and how my strength and resolve were slipping. We met on our blanket.. in our spot for lunch. I pretty much offered to walk away. I told him how lonely I am.. My sadness at being a “non person” in his life. My jealousy that he had a whole other life without me. He confessed to lying to me about what he had done over the weekend in hopes of not ruining my day...his loneliness in his own home in a loveless marriage... how he struggles to make time with/for me and how it is never enough for me. So many confessions.. so many tears..I told him I knew he couldn't leave... and I knew how heartbroken he would be if he did. He cried as he told me a silly story about the girls and their excitement over the cleaning of the garage affirming my belief that they are his world and his happiness.
I know he is in a horrible place. He can't win. No matter what he chooses, someone gets hurt. It's either me or his girls. I am much too old and too wise (?) to think I could replace the hurt he would endure in not seeing them every morning.. or when he came home from work as they converge on him with their recaps of the day. I love him too much to ask him to leave. But, when he looked at me and asked me to just hang in there... I realized, I love him too much to say no. How long can I? Who knows.
*sigh* I never did like roller coasters.
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