Wednesday, May 26, 2010

She's got a ticket to ride.............. (Jen's side)

We apologize for not posting much of late, but our roller coaster ride (that we so often call this relationship) has been on a bumpy track these days. There have been so many day to day issues that become problems.. mostly for me of course. Mark has the glass half full outlook almost always. It is I who struggles with the emotional break downs. This past weekend as well as the one before have led to what has come close to our final goodbye. We decided to both post our separate feelings over the last couple weeks and the strain it has been for us in our different ways. So please read them both.

I struggle through weekends. I think I have mentioned that before. Not only because I don't get to see Mark, but the thoughts of the “family” time breaks my heart and my mood. Just a reminder of our situation... I am single, Mark is the married father of 3 kids all under the age of 14. Two of my young adult children still live with me, but they aren't hanging out with Mom these days. So visions of Mark with the family... visiting friends, or celebrating birthdays or graduations as I work in the yard or on the house alone oft times leads to dark days for this half of the equation. Consequently, my mood affects Mark and we are both end up feeling crappy due to my doldrums.

A couple weekends ago, as most weekends.. we weren't going to see each other. Mark was busy with kid/family/sport stuff.. Our usual Monday get together was hindered due to our work schedules.. I had the weekend blues. Mark tries hard to keep in contact with me via phone, text or IM. I seldom go more than a couple hours without some sort of update but, I was just feeling sorry for myself. While everyone else is having fun time.. I am alone and questioning everything. How can I be so loved by someone and still feel so alone? Didn’t I get out of an unhappy 25 year marriage so the last part of my life would be happy and peaceful? I keep hearing the words of my therapist saying..” He holds all the cards.. you do nothing but wait. How long are you going to let this tear you apart? What has he done to make you believe he will ever leave?” So many questions.. and I have no answers.

We finally got to have some time together Tuesday and I could barely look at him without welling up with tears. I truly feel that I am in a situation where I can't win. He loves his children more than life itself.. and who in their right mind could find fault with that?. I could tell by our conversation of that day if I asked him to choose, I would lose. I fear the outcome of this crazy ride.

After my second tough weekend, my morning email told of my frustration and how my strength and resolve were slipping. We met on our blanket.. in our spot for lunch. I pretty much offered to walk away. I told him how lonely I am.. My sadness at being a “non person” in his life. My jealousy that he had a whole other life without me. He confessed to lying to me about what he had done over the weekend in hopes of not ruining my day...his loneliness in his own home in a loveless marriage... how he struggles to make time with/for me and how it is never enough for me. So many confessions.. so many tears..I told him I knew he couldn't leave... and I knew how heartbroken he would be if he did. He cried as he told me a silly story about the girls and their excitement over the cleaning of the garage affirming my belief that they are his world and his happiness.

I know he is in a horrible place. He can't win. No matter what he chooses, someone gets hurt. It's either me or his girls. I am much too old and too wise (?) to think I could replace the hurt he would endure in not seeing them every morning.. or when he came home from work as they converge on him with their recaps of the day. I love him too much to ask him to leave. But, when he looked at me and asked me to just hang in there... I realized, I love him too much to say no. How long can I? Who knows.

*sigh* I never did like roller coasters.


  1. Oh my... that is a tough situation. As I was reading, I could see the ressemblances between you and I. The difference is that my ex-lover is in a loving marriage, just less passionate and adventurous (as what he'd like). But everything else is similar, love included, so is THE talk where you realize how much he loves his children.

    What can I say? Not much. But to know that someone else loves you and wishes to be with you... isn't that enough to keep you going? Unless you are at a point where you want a companion, which is understandable.

    Like Mark said... hang in there!

    (and write/email if you need to)

  2. I have been lurking, reading your blog and a few others while struggling with the end of my own affair. I truly feel for you. My situation was a great big mess! Our lives were in complete turmoil for about 8 months (and this is just the break up part, not counting the nearly two year affair). The dust is finally starting to settle. One thing that remained through it all was the love. We adore each other still. I believe you are in a worse situation than I, since you are technically single (we are both married). I can't offer much comfort or optimism, considering mine did not work out, but I will say this: It appears that one way or the other a decision will be made soon. When tensions begin to mount, frustrations always just under the surface, the appearance of tears more and more frequent... something has to give. Mark realizes that he loves you too much to keep you waiting like this. As well, his desperation not to loose you will force him into making a choice. I hope it is the choice that is truly best for everyone. And no, I don't mean staying in the marriage. Speaking as a child of divorce, I truly feel that children can adjust very well and benefit from having both parents in loving happy relationships.

  3. Spring Flower: I am doing my best. Some days are easy.. others are unbearable.. but, one day at a time. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

    Anon : "When tensions begin to mount, frustrations always just under the surface, the appearance of tears more and more frequent... something has to give. " That is so true.. each one of these is harder to bounce back from. I think Mark and I both know that .. this can't be much longer.. and no matter what.. I will always love him and know whatever he does, it was the best thing at the time. You have great insights.. thanks for sharing.


  4. Hindsight is 20/20. It is hard to advise in these situations that are each uniquely different, but sometimes sharing helps. If you would like to talk to someone who has come out on the other side (without the fairytale ending mind you) let me know. I can't say there's much I would have changed in the grand scheme of things, but I certainly would go back if I could and change certain things on my end to minimize the hurt.

  5. Anon : I am always open to dialogue and advice.. esp if it can somehow help me. My email address is Please feel free to contact me.. I would love to know what you would change to minimize the hurt.

  6. I will email you over the weekend. I read a few more of your background posts.

  7. Jen I think you already know what we feel and think regarding this situation. My parents remained together for us kids and us kids so wish they had not~!

    Also Loverboy and I are examples of blending families that had young children at the time (age 7,7 and 14) and Loverboy was a devoted dad that was 100% plugged in and totally devoted to his two, it killed him to leave them but he knows he did the right thing for him as well as them. We belive that it is truly import to model the very best relationship possible for your children. Kids cope fine if the adults handle things responsibly and sensibly.


    L & A

  8. L & A: I agree with everything you say.. having made mistakes in staying in my marriage for my kids, I see that my girls both have struggles in relationships and I am sure it has a lot to do with what they saw growing up. But, it is hard to be in Marks place and understand that.. and he can only do what his heart tells him is right.. and I have to respect that and let him make the choices he feels best.
    I thank you for your support and honesty.. and of course your friendship!


  9. Oh, Jen...
    I know I'm late here, but you really did eloquently tell the tale of the "Mistress Weekend." Pure misery.
    I'm catching up on your story, you'll see me around again!

  10. LambChop: Thank you.. I have been reading your blog as well.. putting together the pieces and seeing the similarities. Although.. I think Mark and I are older, this game of falling in love with a married man is tough at any age.

    We need to keep in touch and share some stories!


Thanks for your thoughts... we always welcome them, negative or positive... so, fire away !