Wednesday, November 24, 2010

There's only one place that call me one of their own

I just thought I'd say thanks to Jen for keeping everyone up to date as per our status. Yes, we indeed are alive and kickin'.

So why haven't I, Mark, been posting, you ask? Jen and I had this conversation yesterday. It's been very difficult for me emotionally to make my way to post here because it was and it still is "our" blog. About a year ago this time, Jen and I were conceiving the idea for this blog as we had been just recently introduced to the blog-o-sphere. We talked about our love for writing and the excitement of the anonymity of it all, and to tell you the truth, it was mostly conceived as the story of our sexual hi-jinks. My oh my, how that all changed -- a real story with real lives affecting real people was playing out before our eyes.

As the blog progressed, Jen and I would brainstorm posts together, take turns writing, discuss potential responses to comments, etc. And as the comments and emails rolled in, we started to form bonds with our commenters and other blogger friends. A good percentage of our conversations during the day would be discussing the latest posts from Frances and Daniel, Barefoot Dreamer, Adulter-Us, GLNO, Loverboy etc. This ultimately became "our little hobby" -- something that we did together. Every day I would pour over Google Analytics statistics to see where our readers were coming from, what new country had joined our growing list, who was reading us locally, what states did we need to complete our trek from sea-to-shining-sea. (We FINALLY got South Dakota last week and now have all 50 states plus the District of Columbia!). And I would excitedly report it all to Jen.

So yes, there's a big part of "us" here on Fooled Around and Fell in Love. 100% "us", as a matter of fact. And now that Jen has moved on primarily to her own blogging adventure, this blog has lost a lot of the "us" about it. While yes, she did post last week just to make up for my slacking, it still breaks my heart to visit here and see the history that we had between us -- the good times we enjoyed, the heartache we endured, and yes -- the mind-blowing sex we had and the love we made.

But you know what? Having said all that, hope springs eternal, and I'm not giving this up just yet. Consider this the first post of that comeback. And who knows? Maybe there's some underlying, subliminal message in all this. As the title of this post (from Bon Jovi's Who Says You Can't Go Home?) says "There's only one place that call me one of their own" .... And I've found that here amongst all of our blogging friends.

Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

we are still alive...

(posted by Jen)

 I know we have been lapse at posting...

Yesterday was one month from the day we broke up.  It also would have been our 16 month 'anniversary' as a couple. There is some irony that the 19th signifies both days.. the best and the worse.

It has been difficult to come back to this page.. for both of us. Hard to think about writing anything when we have no good news to share at this point. Hard to talk about who we "were" as a couple and who we "are" now as a non couple. 

Many of you have found my other blog and left some very nice comments. Supportive, sympathetic and kind. I thank you for that and just for caring still about us both. Understanding the tough choices going on here and how hard it is to try to keep you all informed.

Mark has really had difficulty putting "pen to paper" even though I know he would like to. Neither of us are having an easy time here.

Just so you know... we still chat daily.  We don't really see each other so, that emptiness is very painful. But, the plus side to this is all is... we have communicated our feelings to a deeper level than we have in a very long time. Laying all those cards on the table so to speak.  We do the day to day..  so, yes.. we are still alive...

but .. not really  living.

Thank you all for being such wonderful "blog" friends..  we do appreciate all of you more than you know.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Public Service Announcement - Private Blogging

Due to the sudden rash of bloggers being "outed" these days, and also to act as a public service for my fellow readers who just may happen to be cheating on their respective spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, mistress, lover or all of the above, you might want to consider using Mozilla Firefox as your browser and enable it's "Private Browsing" feature. This mode enables you to browse the internet without your computer saving any data about which sites and pages you have visited. For example, if a friend or family member shares your computer, you might prefer for them not to be able to see what websites you've visited or what files you've downloaded. And you can default Firefox to open up in this mode all the time! For more information on this feature, click here.

Now I understand that this isn't the be-all and end-all of safe browsing, but it does help. And this is certainly not to imply that all my readers are two-timing or three-timing adulterous deviates (not that there's anything wrong with that) ... It's just that if we can practice Safe Sex -- why not Safe Surfing?

Monday, November 1, 2010

And the Days Dwindle Down ... To a Precious Few

September .... November .....

So where was I? Ahhh yes.

Like I said in my previous post, after our late-June breakup things changed a bit. While our relationship and love for each other was still strong -- stronger than ever, I might add -- moving forward we did avoid talking about our future and where it stood relative to "The Plan". And while I tended to turn a blind eye to the upcoming fork in the road, Jen didn't. But instead of coming clean with her concerns, she more or less kept everything under wraps. Yes, part of that was giving me a chance to grieve over my Mom during the summer months and not complicate things with our issues, but another part was simply sitting back, observing and waiting for me to make a move -- looking for some kind of evidence that The Plan is moving forward. And when she didn't see that happening, she started reading between the lines looking for evidence that it WASN'T going to happen.

For example, at some point during the summer I needed to restock my supply of chlorine for my swimming pool. And I mentioned that I didn't need much to get me through the rest of the summer, but I bought the 90 lb. drum anyway since it would then "get me through next summer". Needless to say, Jen didn't want to hear any plans of my swimming pool for "next summer". Now at the time I said this, she never mentioned to me that she was troubled by the statement. In fact I had no idea it was even an issue until she mentioned it after the fact in her now-defunct breakup blog. And when I saw that, my point all along was that the swimming pool would be there next summer whether I lived at the house or not, and chances were damn good I'd be financing the chlorine, so why not make the purchase that made the most economic sense?

Now don't get me wrong -- we didn't break up over a 90 lb drum of granular chlorine. But it serves as an example of how we weren't communicating the "big issues". And it eventually spelled our October doom.

So yes -- summer turned to fall and with the holidays approaching, the lack of any discussion of The Plan was gnawing at her. And on Tuesday, Oct 12 she sent me an email. You see, our morning email had been a long-standing hallmark of our relationship, carrying on daily for almost a year, but that too had started to dwindle during the summer months. And she poured her heart out - "I miss hearing (in your emails) how much you love me. How much you enjoy our time together.. how much you miss me when we aren't together. All the talk of a future and the things we would/could do together someday. I can't help but wonder, are these all signs of the upcoming end of the year? and what of "the plan"? We sure avoid that issue like the plague don't we?" And continued on to close with "I truly was blessed to have found you... for I still love you more and more each day. And if that all ends in a couple months, I won't have one single regret."

And now looking back, my reply accelerated the spiral ..

"But the one thing I will admit ... The end of the year ... your birthday coming up .. Thanksgiving .. Christmas ... New Years ... Yes .."the plan". It weighs heavy on my mind. So if there is one thing that's bothering me's that... And that's the paradox. If there's one thing I'm sure of -- and I've never been MORE sure of anything in my life -- it's that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But -- and of course you knew there would be a BUT there -- you know how I feel about my girls and the prospect of leaving them. It tears me up inside... But being without you tears me up inside ...Its such an overwhelming and mind-numbing thought process that yes -- I'm sure these are the "differences" you've noticed in me ... and there's not an hour that goes by in a day where the reality of it all doesn't slap me in the face... And what hurts me more than anything is how unfair this has been to you... Believe me, I understand that .. I realize that ...and I hate myself for doing this to you... And yes .. I don't talk about it anymore, and I don't blog about it anymore .. not because I love you any less or that I'm pretending everything is OK or I feel uncomfortable discussing any of this with you -- it's simply that its so painful. And the mere mention of "if it all ends in a couple months" -- well, needless to say I can't even fathom it. I just hate the "finality" ring to it all and I can't bear to think about it."

Little did I know that when I hit the "Send" button that morning, that we were one week away from saying goodbye.