Happy Valentine's Day (Mark)

As the days approached to Valentine's Day, needless to say I was apprehensive. You see, I have been out of the "relationship game" for a good 15 years now. i.e., the entire time I've been married to The Wife. Even while we were dating, Feb. 14 never took on any other meaning than just another day on the calendar, as The Wife doesn't tend to recognize these publicly acclaimed holidays and instead tends to weigh their religious overtones. So she'd rather go to Mass, read a verse on the life of St. Valentine, and say a family rosary then blow $100 on candy and a dinner.

So I was trying to gauge Jen as Valentine's Day approached. And as with most all the major holidays, Jen holds them very close to her heart. No, she doesn't need to spend a king's ransom for gifts or a night out on the town. But more importantly, she wants to spend them with the people she loves. And on Valentine's Day, the man she loves. Can't say I blame her .... :) When you hear the term "down to earth", that describes Jen to a tea. It's one of the many things that attracted me to her, and it's one of the many things that overwhelmed me with the desire to spend the rest of my days with her. Yes, she places a high priority on holidays like these, but her heart is in precisely the right place -- with her family and the ones she loves most. And words can't describe how lucky I am to have earned a place in that loving heart of hers.

So we broached the topic the other day after a morning of passionate love-making. And I was quite relieved at her suggestion, something that I hadn't thought of. Yes, let's not acknowledge this day until we can spend it the right way -- in each others arms and belonging to no one else but each other. Yes, we exchanged heart-felt cards, but nothing more than that. While of course we'll greet each other with a "Happy Valentine's Day!!" when we sign onto our Instant Messenger sessions in the morning, but there will be no clandestine meetings down at the marina where we exchange gifts or anything like that. I thought about suggesting that, but to be completely honest, it just didn't feel right.

So when we do this, we're going to do it right ... And that day can't come soon enough.

Happy Valentines Day, Jen ... I love you, and here's to Feb. 14th, 2011.....

Butterfly Kisses......

I feel terrible.

I just got a text from Mark who is on a date (father/daughter dance) with his 2 girls.

The text read.. "Just danced with the girls to Butterfly Kisses. A real tear-jerker"

UGH. What am I doing?

This is an amazing man who adores his girls more than life itself. His younger daughter Sara, the one who "cracks him up" with her quick wit and silly girlish chatter. She is sure she will grow up to be a rock star... and won't even consider it not to be an option.
Then there is Allison.. who is Daddy's girl. She and Mark have that wonderful relationship.. she makes him lunch, goes with him on errands.. wants to be with Dad and just cherishes him, and Mark feels exactly the same about her. So, what do I think I'm doing?

What selfish bone in my body thinks its fair to take him from these 2 little beings who probably couldn't imagine waking up not to see Daddy sitting at the table with his coffee and paper. These sweet children he brought into this world with the expectation of watching them grow from innocent, lovable young girls to arrogant but still lovable teens? What would happen to them if one day, Daddy wasn't there to kiss them goodnight. Will their whole life come unraveled?

I at the moment, wish I could turn back time.. or move it ahead.. or just make it stand still. Apparently I don't know what I want... but, I know I don't want to hurt two beautiful young souls who expect their lives to be this happy and simple forever. How could I ask him to leave that for me?

I can't... can I?

Life is what happens while you're making plans

All that you need is right here in your hands.

From Sheryl Crow's "Diamond Road".

So yes... we had "The Talk". And as Jen has shared her reflections on it, I'd like to do the same myself.

Believe it or not, I never wanted to avoid the subject of "Where do we go from here and what's the plan for it?" It's just that until recently, there was no reason to do that. As we've said on numerous occasions, this relationship began as a quest for sex - never once did the possibility ever enter my mind that I was going to leave my family to begin a new life with whomever filled that need. So no seed was in place from the start, i.e. no plan. Now admittedly we both fell hard for each other real fast. But still -- it's only been a month, right? Which became, "well it's only been two months, right?" Which became three, etc. But no one could ever blame me for not having a plan in place after only a couple of months, right? Of course not -- everyone knows the excitement and the freshness of a new relationship, especially when there's wild animal sex going on, often clouds the big picture.

But our well-documented miserable holiday season came and went, and now tomorrow dawns our 6-month anniversary. Yes, 6 months since Jen's reply to my first Ashley Madison message, when she essentially gave the green light to pursue things further. And for some reason, I consider this a big milestone. Half a year. And the excitement and the freshness hasn't worn off. Not even close. We see each other now more than ever (5 out of 7 days last week, with 3 separate opportunities for sex and 12 orgasms between us to add to the Orgas-O-Meter). And we look forward to our time together now more than ever, even if there isn't a chance for sex. Plain and simple we have a Perfect chemistry, a Perfect love -- we make the Perfect couple. PERFECT .. we seem to use that word a lot with each other.

So last week I paid a lunchtime visit to Jen at her office. While I didn't intend to bring up "The Plan" that day, we found a little quiet time to be alone and instead of launching into our usual makeout session, I decided it was time to have some much-needed discussion. And we both laid our hearts out on the table .. Talked about our joys, our love for each other, our fears and where we go from here in OUR relationship. And frankly, it was quite easy to put boundaries on it. Based on our brutal holiday experience, those intense feelings of loneliness on both our parts, we agreed that never again do we want to spend another Christmas holiday season in that state. And that means I have to resolve my current situation by then and leave Jen no doubt in her mind whatsoever that our lives together will soon begin, if not having done so already. And along the way -- between now and the end of 2010 - I have to give Jen hard evidence that the wheels are indeed in motion.

So now my astute readers, you might be saying to yourself "Gee Mark, you're giving up a lot there .. I thought relationships were all about give-and-take. I see you giving a lot, but where's the take?" And of course I considered that as well. You see during our discussion, I told Jen my greatest fear was starting to put the plan in place -- essentially breaking up the family -- and then having her say to me midstream "Mark, I love you but I can't take another weekend alone" and have her find someone to keep her company on those lonely weekends. So in exchange for "The Plan", I just asked for a firm commitment from Jen .. That not only will she be there for me in the end, but each and every step of the way. You see I've had two relationships in the past, my first marriage and the fiance-that-never was, that ended in infidelity on their part. And despite some 20+ removed from those heart-wrenching events, I still will never forget that pain.

So that essentially became the plan - together forever by the New Year. Which of course puts boundaries on this Blog. If the plan doesn't come to fruition, Mark & Jen are no more. Yet if the plan plays out -- together forever -- we're just another old couple posting shrimp scampi recipes. But still incrementing that Orgas-O-Meter, albeit at a three sigma pace!

Sit down son, we have to talk

So.. the New Year has begun.. and Mark and I finally had “the talk”.
noooo...Not the "let me tell you about the facts of life" talk ..… the “what’s the plan” talk.

When we met, neither of us were worried about a plan or a future. We just wanted to find someone we could have crazy, wild, uninhibited sex with. My guy and I were on some kind of hiatus apparently, and Marks wife took the hard religious stand of.. “if we aren’t trying to procreate, sex is immoral” (see Marks post below) . Barren.. both of us. Horny.. yep, both of us. Frustrated?.. oh yea. Ashley Madison… yea, that was us too. But, you know all of that if you read the previous posts.

Here we are 6 months later.. suddenly in love with each other. Having that wild, uninhibited sex every chance we get. Hanging out as much as possible even if just for lunch or a couple hours after work. Still having that incomplete feeling without each other. We call them “hole in our heart” days… when you just ache to be with your love. He was everything I could have hoped for, and more.
Realizing, this isn’t just the blush of a new romance, but truly, LOVE.. in the simplest and purest form.

What happens next? Here's the sticky part.

Mark has told me more times than I can count that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We both are awed by this connection we have found at the age 50. And being 50... we both know that rest of our lives could be only a few years to 20 or 30 more.But, it's hard to talk about a future when I know people will be hurt, especially kids. So, most of the time we just don't talk about it.. we allude to it.

This isn’t an actual conversation we’ve had.. but you get the gist of how they go from my imaginary convo.

(curtain open,, enter SL)

Him: I love you so much, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Me: I know babe .. I feel that way too. Hmmmm, but… you still have a wife and kids

Him: Oh yea, that’s a problem right?

Me: Yea, sorta. Too many people in this relationship.

Him: We need a plan.

Me: We do need a plan. (silence)
Sooo.. how about them Yankees?

Him: Great season.

The end (bows, exit stage right)

Avoidance.. we were good at it. But the holidays made everything more important. I couldn’t bear to go through another set of those.

Thus… “the talk” of “a plan”

Happy New Year? -- I don't THINK so!

So to continue on my posting from yesterday.. I talked to Jen around 6pm on New Years Eve before I headed down to meet the wife and kids at a neighbor's house for dinner. Like I said, she sounded in good spirits but Jen ALWAYS sounds that way on the phone. I get a better feel for her mood through an IM chat or even a text message than I do in a phone conversation because as always, when we are "connecting" with each other via good, old-fashioned human interface, as Jen likes to say -- "All is right with the world". So before we hung up, she mentioned she would have a glass of wine or two to get her through the night while I'm out "partying" with the family and she spends New Years Eve alone.

So around 8:30pm I send her a quick text -- "Hammered yet? :)". And a good sign -- she responds almost immediately -- "First one went down easy .. the second is going a little slower". OK, she's still with me. Around 9pm I follow up with "Already into my 2nd cup of coffee .. I'm ready for bed!" And again a quick reply -- "I'm headed for there too". Not too verbose, but it's good that she's still communicative. Perhaps this WON'T be so bad. But little did I know that would be the last time we "spoke" until New Years morn.

So now the party moves over to another school family's house and there's a lot of people, most of whom I'm very good friends with. I'm having an OK time, but as ALWAYS is the case since I met my lover, I just can NOT have a good time without her. And it shows. People ask "Are you feeling OK? You look tired". "I'm fine .. Yeah, it's been a long day. I'm too old for this". I mean, how else am I to respond? "I miss my girlfriend terribly!! I'd like nothing more than to be making passionate lover to her, having a simultaneous orgasm as the clock strikes midnight!!" Yeah, that would go over well at school.

So midnight comes and goes and I fall further into a depression. I'm sitting with the kids (I'd tired of the adult talk by this time) and they're watching one of those New Years Eve Dick Clark specials and on comes Colbie Callait singing "Falling for You". This was one of the first songs that Jen and I listened to together after we had realized we were falling in love. Well, I almost lost it at that moment. But I have to continue to play the role of Happy Hubby and Dad, despite the fact that I'm no damn good at all at it. In the meantime I text Jen a "Happy New Year" message around 12:05 and as expected -- no reply. I really didn't expect one, but I figured perhaps she might wake during the night at which time she'd leave me a text to wake up to in the morning. We arrived home around 1:15, and again I texted Jen a "We're home now .. I thought about you so much tonight. Good night, darling. I love you!" and before I went to bed I went searching for the Twilight Zone marathon that Jen mentioned. I just needed to have SOME connection with her before I went to bed, and that was the best I could do. My mind was racing with thoughts of how badly I missed her.

So New Years morning arrives and I'm up at my usual 7:30am on the weekends. I set my status to "Available" on IM, but -- no Jen. And 7:30 turns to 8, which turns to 8:30 which turns to 9am and still -- no Jen. Very unusual. We've been IM'ing since July and Jen never failed to be up at that time on the weekend. In fact, she's typically up around 6am. So now I'm worried, and more than that, I'm missing her desperately. So I text her "Good morning, darling - you avoiding me?". And some time goes by with no response, but after about 20 minutes she sends me an IM "I'm not avoiding you and I'm not giving you the silent treatment as the wife is want to do, but I just need my space today.. I can't cry anymore.."

And I got that giant lump in my throat. So I responded that I'd respect her wish to give her space, leave her alone for awhile, but we still continued to chat for almost an hour. Getting it all out on the table .. her emotions .. my emotions .. our plans for 2010 and beyond ... Many tears were shed during that session on my end. But when we ended the chat, I told her I would continue to give her her space that New Years day, let her recover ..and hopefully pick up the next day.

But as the hours went by, it proved to be the most difficult morning / early afternoon of my life. All this silence only made me imagine a life without her, and frankly I wasn't ready for that. It killed me not to talk with her .. to hear her voice, her laugh, her giggle, her "LOL's" in a text or IM chat. I couldn't believe how much I missed her, and I spent a good portion of the day in tears. Try to explain THAT ONE to the wife and kids... I was a literal mess.

Then it was off to another family party around mid-afternoon, and we stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a few things. I went in alone, and it gave me the opportunity to fire off a "This is the worst day of my life" text to Jen. I just couldn't hold back any longer. And then I held my breath waiting for a response. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. **VIBRATE***. Yes!!!! Within a minute she replied "I was going to text you as soon as I left the supermarket. I miss you so much!" Coincidentally, Jen was out grocery shopping as well.

So I gave Jen her needed space, but thankfully she only needed it until around 3pm. After that we exchanged texts the rest of the day, had a pleasant IM chat that night, and have basically picked up where we left off -- Hopelessly in Love....

And it wasn't long before Monday came, and we were wrapped in a longing embrace once again. Orgas-O-Meter = Orgas-O-Meter + 1.

Holiday Post-Mortem

The holidays are over.. thank goodness!!

I’m truly not a Scrooge. I love all the excitement and good feelings that go with the holidays.. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. All filled with plenty of food, family, laughter and celebration. Oh yes, throw in alcohol as well… we do find that a big part of celebrating even though after my token 2 drinks..this party animal is ready for a nap.

So, the holidays began and I had that sense of dread as I imagined Mark enjoying these times without me, and I without him. We are going to break down the holidays from our different perspectives. Of course, things are never as we imagine them to be, so.. my conceptions of his holidays compared to the reality .. well, you will see.

(Jen)Thanksgiving wasn’t so bad, it is only one day and we eat lots of turkey (which makes us very sleepy) and I spent it with my folks and kids. OK.. check that one off.. not so bad.

(Mark) Yes, Thanksgiving went off without a hitch. We had a lot of time together at Jen’s house leading up to the holiday -- which helped of course -- and the day … the weekend … came and went without event. Another thing that helped immensely was I told the family I was working the Friday morning after Thanksgiving .. which I did .. but only for a couple of hours. A detour on the way home found me at Jen’s house once again. This served to breakup the long weekend considerably, and gave us a chance to recap our holiday together. Not to mention the opportunity for some good makeout time. I do want to emphasize that most of our time together is spent out of the bedroom and fully clothed. Many hours are wiled away laying on the couch together chatting, laughing and yes .. making out. While our sex life is well documented, it’s these moments I cherish the most – moments that as we grow old together, we’ll reflect on whimsically.

(Jen)Christmas was a little tougher.. although we had our 2 day rendezvous just prior, all the parties and gatherings that we would be at without each other seemed to be a reminder of what our hearts truly wanted this holiday. I asked him to stop telling me of all his plans with “the Wilsons” or “the Malones” as the ‘friend’ parties were hardest for me to bear. That was a reminder of HIS life for me. I was just his “dirty little secret” that no one knew existed in his world. It’s much different in my world, he’s been to my house, met my kids and some of my friends, been to where I work and met some co-workers. I, am but a figment in his life. But, I still had my 3 kids all together for the first time in a year, and that was very comforting. Christmas done… check.. 2 down, 1 to go.

(Mark) Yes, it’s a little tough walking the tightrope that is my position in this relationship. While my immediate reaction at all times is to keep Jen “in the loop” as to my day-to-day activities, sometimes I need to take a step back and consider her feelings – her reaction – before I send off that text telling her we were invited to dinner at the Wilsons – or whatever. Since we met back in July, we are in almost constant contact – be it email, IM, phone or texting. And it would just feel strange NOT telling her where I was, or worse yet, lying to her about what I’m doing. Heck, I do enough lying to my family and coworkers – it’s hard to keep ‘em all straight all the time – let alone start lying to Jen. So I opt for the truth with her .. and sometimes when I least expect it, the truth hurts. I need to pay more attention to that.

(Jen)Then came New Years. I knew this was going to be tough. Kids all gone. The house was quiet… Mark was “partying” with the wife and kids at another “friends” home. Compound that with a bit of bad news I had gotten earlier in the day and by 7pm I was pouring my first glass of wine.. 7:04 my second… trying to dull the ache of the empty new year. The images don’t stop… Mark laughing and having a good time with the wife and friends. The New Years kiss at the stroke of midnight. The laughter and smiles as they wish each other Happy NEW Year. I tried to get lost in the Twilight Zone marathon (for who doesn’t just love those episodes) but, couldn’t keep the other thoughts from crossing over. After being sad for what felt like an eternity.. I decided to sleep would be the best escape.. so shortly after 8:30 I took my sleep aid. Mark texted me a few times during the night but, instead of making me feel better, they just frustrated me. I finally told him I was off to bed at 9. That was all I remember as I awoke to a New Year and a bunch of texts and missed calls on my cell.

(Mark) Yes, New Years was indeed a miserable time .. for both of us. This was totally unexpected for me, as I was so focused on us getting through Christmas that I didn’t see that Jan 1 brick wall staring us in the face. You see, New Years has never been an eventful holiday for me nor my family, and I just tend to brush it off as just another day. Yes, we do a New Years Eve party with many of the families at my kids school, but it really is focused on the kids. Since my kids are still young, they get a big kick out of staying up late at night together, doing the countdown, and ringing in the New Year. I spend a lot of time looking at my watch, and wishing I was in bed.

But new relationships bring new emotions and little did I realize how big a holiday New Years had been in her past. And I started to become aware of this in the days leading up to Jan 1. It was a slow week at work, so once again we were able to manage plenty of time together early in the week (see Coitus Interruptus), and it was during this time together that I began to realize that Thursday and Friday weren’t going to come and go easily. I really began to worry about Jen and how she was going to handle all this … alone. And as much as I worried about it and as much preparation as we did for it – it turned out much worse than I ever anticipated.

As New Years Eve day wore on, I would check to see if Jen was online on IM .. and nothing. Very unusual. I texted her a couple times in the morning and early afternoon, and she was responsive, but it’s a bit difficult trying to determine someone’s emotional state in a 160 character text message. I then had the opportunity to call her once in the afternoon, and she did sound in good spirits. But as the sun started to set in the early evening, I just got a sense things weren’t right. My family and I were getting ready to head over to a neighbor’s house for dinner around 6pm, but I intentionally procrastinated so they would leave without me, so I could shower and give Jen one last call before I walked over to join them. And again .. the phone call went without incident. We talked, we laughed, wished each other Happy New Year, and I hung up feeling that perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad.

But that couldn't have been further from the truth. And that story is worthy of a standalone post ... Coming soon

Not always a bed of Roses....

It’s wonderful being in love.. and even more so when that person loves you back. Duh. No brainer right? But, in this world of “sunshine and lollipops” is the reality of.. what if those 2 people aren’t married to .. each other? (Gasp !)

In that case, love is still an amazing thing but, comes with some hard truths. This time of year is especially difficult. Holidays/family time are all very incompatible with the mistress/affair genre. Mark and I are finding that out as we try to survive this first time experiencing it.. I know we aren’t the only ones suffering through this… but, it sure is the loneliest feeling I have ever had.

The difference for me (us) I suppose is… I am single now, my kids are older (21 and up) and I am free to have a normal, loving relationship. Mark on the other hand, is still married, has younger kids (15 and under) and certainly not capable of sharing the holidays with me. SO the words “normal, loving relationship” are just fantasy when you fall in love with a married man.

Soon I face my toughest of challenges… New Years Eve. On that morning, my oldest child will be flying off back to her normal life on the west coast.. my other children will be spending the night celebrating with their special ‘someones’.. Mark will be with his family and friends, ringing in the New Year.. and I.. will probably be sitting at home in front of a fire with a drink, a book and that empty feeling this kind of choice brings at times. My friends will assume I am with spending the evening with Mark because of course, none of them know that he has a wife already.. nor would I admit to them I will be alone. So… this my dear friends and readers… is the not so bright side of being in love.

Why do this to yourself? Good question, so glad you asked. Honestly, sometimes I am not sure I am doing the right thing, for many reasons which we can’t discuss here now. But, I can tell you this, the moment I see him walking towards me…………..

All is right with the world.



Happy New Year to you all… May 2010 bring you good health, happiness and the realization of every dream … Jen


“There may be a few unknowns here, but one thing I DO know - I could do without many things in life with no hardship-- you are not one of them.” ~Mark

Treasure these few words, Till we're together

Keep all my love forever
P.S. I love you

Mark here... You'll soon discover that I often reference music lyrics in my musings, as I also have been known to do with Jen in our emails. This one is from the Beatles, P.S. I Love You.

This post is a tad out of context, i.e., out of chronological order, but I did promise to post some snippets of Jen's prose .. Nearly every weekday morning for the past 5 months, we've exchanged emails, and because we also spend countless time throughout the day IM'ing, talking on the cell, or meeting for weekday lunch or evening rendezvous', you might ask, why bother with an email? Well, it gives us both a chance to collect our thoughts and put it together in letter form. Just another way to express ourselves .. our passion for each other .. in the written word, as opposed to the more conversational style that is IM.

And like I said, nobody does it like Jen. Here's an excerpt from this morning's email, but first a little background -- yesterday I was at Jen's house for a couple hours in the evening, just laying on the couch watching TV, enjoying each others company. Her kids were home -- so no opportunity to "play" -- but we did manage to squeeze in some good makeout time anyway (50+ years old, and we're still into "heavy petting"! Can you believe it?). And tomorrow, Christmas Eve EVE, we have an afternoon and late evening rendezvous planned at a local hotel. So without further ado, here's Jen reminiscing about last night, and waxing excited about tomorrow...

Last but not least.. tomorrow. I will certainly be counting the hours until tomorrow.After yesterday, touching your hard-on through your pants.. aching to have it all to myself to do with whatever my little heart desires... feeling you touching my breasts as they hardened.. your hand there between my legs hitting those ooooh so sensitive spots.. being able to do that .. naked and alone and uninhibited for the first time in weeks, will be wonderful. I really do long for you, just your kiss melts me.. your eyes on mine bring so many emotions I can't begin to name them... so yes... I will enjoy today with the knowledge of what lies ahead for me tomorrow. For you are my love, my life.. my today.. my tomorrow and my forever... and there is no better gift than that this Christmas.

I do love you Mark.. no truer words have ever come from my lips.

Have I died and gone to heaven, or what????