Thursday, August 30, 2012

pgh girl

(I received your email pgh girl... if you are still out there... email again, it seems you have closed out your account. .. you asked for an update.. well.. here goes......)

and  As for the rest of the world... if you care to wonder how Mark and I are doing.....

  we are still together... 3 years later.  We have traveled a bit this year.. got to spend more alone time as a couple then ever before and found... we still liked each other !!!

   I wish I could tell you more has changed but.. he still lives at home with a wife and children.  We still see each other almost daily... the only thing that has changed... is our age!  Posting some pics from our vacation sites.. see if you recognize these!

  We were here....

 and here....
 andddd here....
  Hope you all are well... and happy...


Saturday, July 30, 2011

Start spreadin' the news....

 That was the title of Marks email to me Monday morning... the day before we left for NYC.

What a wonderful time we had. The long drive to NY made fun by singing together to songs on the radio.. chatting and laughing about people we passed. Stopping to enjoy a lunch of pre-made sandwiches at a rest stop along the way (along with a little bonus for Mark in the lot). Arriving finally in NJ where we unpacked and then took the transit into the city.

A wonderful dinner at a tiny Italian restaurant, walking around Times Square.. enjoying the craziness of the city, trying to maneuver through the subways, seeing the Yankees IN Yankee stadium. All the while, cherishing that we are sharing these things together. Two glorious days in the Big Apple. Even the long ride home was better, because we experienced it as a couple.

What a wonderful time. What a great city!  Memories that will last a lifetime.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Two years... where has the time gone?

 Tuesday the 19th marked the 2 year anniversary of Mark and my relationship. 

It wasn't our first date,  or first phone conversation.. or first sexual experience together... it was the date of our first email exchange. That has been the date we celebrated each month of each year for the past 2 years. Unfortunately, Mark was out of town on business so we didn't celebrate the day together.. but, we plan to do that next week.

We are escaping ... 3 days.. in the Big Apple.. to see a Yankee game, do some fine dining.. maybe a show and relish the time away from life as it is here.  It will be a celebration of still loving each other after all that has gone on.. despite the break ups.. the disappointments... the dreams we shared... the hopes that still loom large.. We are still each others best friends. 

Yes,  Mark is still married and living at home with his wife and children. There is no plan in place... and I have resigned myself to living my life, keeping busy and not having an expectation of anything happening anytime soon. I still dream the dream.  I still receive an email from him and write him an email everyday.  I still thank God for having met this man that truly taught me to love unconditionally and be loved in return.

On our anniversary date.. my email ended with this small piece:

So, thank you for writing that email (on July 19, 2009).  For finding me. For loving me. For being my best friend and lover. For making me smile more than I have in a very long time. For these 2 years and hopefully for many more to come. For the days when everything is right with my world.
Today, 2 years later... life may not be what I had planned as my "happily ever after".. but,  I don't regret a single thing, for ...  I have been truly blessed to have fallen in love with my best friend.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Jigsaw puzzle............ (Jen)

   Today... I wondered if there was anything left to say.  Mark gave you the update of where we stand.. which of course is not much different than where we stood when we started this blog back in October of 2009, other than.. we are almost 2 years older!

    We spent the morning together before Mark departed for a business trip that would keep him away from me for a few days. Him not being in the same state is about the only thing that keeps us from seeing each other during the week...  our morning was spent not being sad because he was going away but, as our time usually is. After our love making we sat in comfortable chatter, sharing stories of the week, reliving moments of our past growing up.. learning more and more about the people we came to be before we became Mark and Jen. I know enough about his family and friends and co-workers to feel as if I do know them although we have never met.  The number of times during those couple of hours that we tell each other "I love you honey" or "you make me so happy" can't even be recounted because the words flow so freely. He makes me laugh like no one else can. Our sense of humors are so similar that.. we often say  or type the same smart ass remark at the same time.

     I want you all to know that... yes.. when Mark told me he wasn't ready to leave his kids nor was he sure when he would be ready... My heart broke.  I felt every piece of the puzzle begin to unravel.  I was still going to be hiding in the shadows... fearful we might get caught... lying to friends and family.... spending weekends alone while the world celebrated.  I asked him to let me go... to let me find someone who could give me all the things he couldn't... to have my life back and not have to wait for someone to think I was important enough to stand up for. He said he would ... he didn't want to hurt me anymore. So, we said our tearful goodbyes, wished each other well.. and began our non contact. It was pretty easy.. he was on a family vaca in Florida so... seeing each other was out of the question... and I stayed offline and turned off my phone for most of the week so I wouldn't be tempted.  Joined the singles sites and started the grueling process of looking at profiles... reading emails and responding in kind... Trying, trying ... trying to start life over.

    Going through the motions.. and going so far as setting up coffee dates and a meet for drinks.

   Finally realizing.... you can't replace love with a stand in.  You don't just get another guy when the guy you love is still in your heart.   I couldn't even bring myself to get another dog right away after mine was put down.. because,  you need to grieve and accept and be ready to love again.  What made me think I could just find another Mark to fill in?

    Seems silly... but... I am picking up the pieces of my life and filling in the puzzle as I find them. This is a big 1000 piece jigsaw and it's going to take some time to get it all together and figure out what the final picture looks like.

   In my heart of hearts... I hope it has Mark and I together, sharing our lives, our families and our love... but, it all remains to be seen.

    He seems certain... and ... I can't help but believe him

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Still .... (An update from Mark)

Well, needless to say its been a while since we last checked in here. A long while. So many things have happened since that October breakup, that any attempts to enumerate them would be feeble. We've broken up ... we've gotten back together .. we've broken up again. Through it all, Jen started her own blog, Diary of a Break, which many of you have faithfully followed, including myself. Craving some attention of my own, I started my own blog, which lasted all of about 2 1/2 days before that foolish idea came crashing down. Many of you have kept in touch with Jen via email and comments on her blog, while I have taken a long hiatus from the blogging world. Why you might ask? Frankly, it turned me into someone I am not. I was morphing myself into a different person, one that I didn't like very much. And I just had to get back to who I was ... the person I was before the October breakup .... And just being away from it all has helped me do that.

And through it all -- as it stands on this spring morning in May -- Jen and I are still together .... No, not in the sense that she or I would like it to be .... No, not the fairy tale ending -- yet ... But we are still together and so very much in love. More today than yesterday. More so now than ever. Still each others best friend .. lover .. confidante .. soul mate .... But still almost two years after we started this wonderful journey ... Jen remains the "other woman". Hiding in the shadows. Me a real "somebody" in her life ... but as she reminds me, her a "nobody" in mine. Now of course I will argue that point up and down -- she consumes my thoughts every minute of every day and I move heaven and earth to make time to see her most nearly every weekday -- but nobody sees her point more than I do, and frankly, I want "the dream" just as much if not more than she does.

But right now .. at this very moment ... May, 2011... I can't leave my kids ... Not as they enter those critical teen years. And I told Jen that ... Finally ... That was a big step for me -- for both of us -- in that I've never been able to tell her that before in so many words. Because to tell you the truth, I wasn't convinced of that myself. I am still unwavering in knowing that I will leave someday -- there isn't a shred of doubt in my mind -- but its just not today. So as big a step as it was for me to admit that, it was even bigger knowing that I couldn't hold Jen back any longer. I had to let her move on from all this ... Find someone that she could spend her years doing the things she always wanted to do with me. Saturday night movies, holidays with her family, Sunday afternoons at the beach -- all those things she can't do as the "other woman". And as hard as it was for me to admit I couldn't leave my kids, it was even harder knowing I might have to let her go.

But still we persevere. Still we survive. Because nothing is stronger than the love we share for each other. Yes, its easy to say she or I have to move on, but when it comes down to it, you just don't "move on" from your best friend and lover. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I called her and asked "Do you ever imagine a time when we're not part of each others lives?" I know I don't. But Jen said if she ever really wanted to move on with her life, that yes, it would be almost impossible with me still in it.

But still here we are. Some two years later, still emailing each other every day. Still IM'ing every day. Three, sometimes four phone calls each day. Still seeing each other multiple times per week. Still laughing together. Still crying together. And still making passionate love together.

And I know in my heart, that someday we'll have that dream. Yes, I know I've said it a thousand times and yes, admittedly nothing much has changed from my perspective, but still I haven't lost sight of that. That dream won't be quelled until its become reality.

And it will be.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Our Holiday thoughts....

 As we approach the holidays ... and the end of the year...

I would like to wish all of you a very Happy Holiday and A Happy, Healthy and Properous New Year 
from Mark and I...

It has been a trying couple months...  we have both had some rough times outside of just the break up .. I think that all of this will be posted sometime in the near future...  

True Love is hard to let go of.. 

We have both been disappointed....

We maintained our friendship throughout it all...  and we have been again blessed to have such a great support of friends that we met here.... People who email  or message to check on us even though we haven't been blogging. You all know who you are.. and you hail from all over the US and other continents.  How would we have ever been so lucky to know these people if not for this blog?

  In many ways... this blogging world has been a gift.. but,  it has also caused some heartache.   Therefore... we have promised each other to stay away from getting caught up in it.  I am apologizing ... as many have before me... if we seem lax in commenting or reading, but... it's something we need to do for the moment.

We are working to see what comes next for us... but.. we haven't forgotten you all...

This time of year causes you to reflect on your losses and your blessings...  We , like everyone, have had both... But those who have supported and befriended .. shared your comments and your thoughts... are something we hope we  never lose. 
Many BLESSINGS to you all... enjoy your family time... good food... and those gifts you can't wrap...

Merry Christmas !!

Monday, December 6, 2010

State of "affairs" ... (jen)

I thought I might update for those of you who are still reading or still care about what is going on with Mark and I. And since this is still "our" blog .. I figured I could give a 'state of affair'  post.

We are not out of touch. If anything.. we are probably more "together" without being physically together than ever.  If that makes any sense.. then continue reading.

I guess what I am trying to say is... we are still in contact everyday, at least a couple of  times a day. Whether it be via instant message or phone... we still chat at least first thing every morning and before bedtime.  Our friendship is as strong as it has ever been. 

Have we seen each other since that fateful day of Oct . 19th?   We have .. a few times.  If you don't read my blog you probably don't know about some of the stuff that has been going on in our personal lives but, suffice to say.. we have both faced some challenges of late.  Mark in his family life... me in my both my personal and family life.  We've gotten together a few times to share our sorrows, cry some tears and as we always do.. hold each other up. 

Take note... there has been no "line crossing"...  no sex (not even in Bill Clinton terms).. no make out sessions.. no clothing removal except for coats or shoes.  But, each time.. we felt that comfort that we both get from each other and know that our friendship is as special as our relationship was.

What comes next for us?  Of course.. that remains to be seen.  We are 7 weeks into the break up. I think we both are handling things as best we know how.  Mark knows where I stand and that this isn't going to last forever... meaning,  my waiting to see what will happen. I as well am aware, that he may not leave anytime in the near future because he just isn't ready . Both of those 2 things could lead to us finally saying goodbye forever.  We just couldn't possibly keep our lives on hold indefinitely.  On the other hand... in light of some of the stuff that has been going on at Marks end.. he could be ready to leave sooner rather than later.

In the meantime... we keep in touch. Both of us knowing that tomorrow could be the day either one of us could say  goodbye.. or it could be the day that he shows up at my door with his bag in hand. The holidays are going to be difficult .. the imagination runs wild about what could happen..  BUT...

I hope with the new year we can find our way to some sort of new opening... or closure if that is to be the case.

Happy Holidays to you.. and yours.  Count your blessings, hug your kids and tell those you love how much they mean to you.. You never know what tomorrow could bring.