Thursday, May 5, 2011

Still .... (An update from Mark)

Well, needless to say its been a while since we last checked in here. A long while. So many things have happened since that October breakup, that any attempts to enumerate them would be feeble. We've broken up ... we've gotten back together .. we've broken up again. Through it all, Jen started her own blog, Diary of a Break, which many of you have faithfully followed, including myself. Craving some attention of my own, I started my own blog, which lasted all of about 2 1/2 days before that foolish idea came crashing down. Many of you have kept in touch with Jen via email and comments on her blog, while I have taken a long hiatus from the blogging world. Why you might ask? Frankly, it turned me into someone I am not. I was morphing myself into a different person, one that I didn't like very much. And I just had to get back to who I was ... the person I was before the October breakup .... And just being away from it all has helped me do that.

And through it all -- as it stands on this spring morning in May -- Jen and I are still together .... No, not in the sense that she or I would like it to be .... No, not the fairy tale ending -- yet ... But we are still together and so very much in love. More today than yesterday. More so now than ever. Still each others best friend .. lover .. confidante .. soul mate .... But still almost two years after we started this wonderful journey ... Jen remains the "other woman". Hiding in the shadows. Me a real "somebody" in her life ... but as she reminds me, her a "nobody" in mine. Now of course I will argue that point up and down -- she consumes my thoughts every minute of every day and I move heaven and earth to make time to see her most nearly every weekday -- but nobody sees her point more than I do, and frankly, I want "the dream" just as much if not more than she does.

But right now .. at this very moment ... May, 2011... I can't leave my kids ... Not as they enter those critical teen years. And I told Jen that ... Finally ... That was a big step for me -- for both of us -- in that I've never been able to tell her that before in so many words. Because to tell you the truth, I wasn't convinced of that myself. I am still unwavering in knowing that I will leave someday -- there isn't a shred of doubt in my mind -- but its just not today. So as big a step as it was for me to admit that, it was even bigger knowing that I couldn't hold Jen back any longer. I had to let her move on from all this ... Find someone that she could spend her years doing the things she always wanted to do with me. Saturday night movies, holidays with her family, Sunday afternoons at the beach -- all those things she can't do as the "other woman". And as hard as it was for me to admit I couldn't leave my kids, it was even harder knowing I might have to let her go.

But still we persevere. Still we survive. Because nothing is stronger than the love we share for each other. Yes, its easy to say she or I have to move on, but when it comes down to it, you just don't "move on" from your best friend and lover. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I called her and asked "Do you ever imagine a time when we're not part of each others lives?" I know I don't. But Jen said if she ever really wanted to move on with her life, that yes, it would be almost impossible with me still in it.

But still here we are. Some two years later, still emailing each other every day. Still IM'ing every day. Three, sometimes four phone calls each day. Still seeing each other multiple times per week. Still laughing together. Still crying together. And still making passionate love together.

And I know in my heart, that someday we'll have that dream. Yes, I know I've said it a thousand times and yes, admittedly nothing much has changed from my perspective, but still I haven't lost sight of that. That dream won't be quelled until its become reality.

And it will be.

2 comments:

  1. Appreciate the update for those of us who have followed you all for awhile. Hoping beyond hope for your dream to become reality one day! I think it will...its just the journey to get there.

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  2. *sigh* thanks for posting, but...*sigh*

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