Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Jigsaw puzzle............ (Jen)

   Today... I wondered if there was anything left to say.  Mark gave you the update of where we stand.. which of course is not much different than where we stood when we started this blog back in October of 2009, other than.. we are almost 2 years older!

    We spent the morning together before Mark departed for a business trip that would keep him away from me for a few days. Him not being in the same state is about the only thing that keeps us from seeing each other during the week...  our morning was spent not being sad because he was going away but, as our time usually is. After our love making we sat in comfortable chatter, sharing stories of the week, reliving moments of our past growing up.. learning more and more about the people we came to be before we became Mark and Jen. I know enough about his family and friends and co-workers to feel as if I do know them although we have never met.  The number of times during those couple of hours that we tell each other "I love you honey" or "you make me so happy" can't even be recounted because the words flow so freely. He makes me laugh like no one else can. Our sense of humors are so similar that.. we often say  or type the same smart ass remark at the same time.

     I want you all to know that... yes.. when Mark told me he wasn't ready to leave his kids nor was he sure when he would be ready... My heart broke.  I felt every piece of the puzzle begin to unravel.  I was still going to be hiding in the shadows... fearful we might get caught... lying to friends and family.... spending weekends alone while the world celebrated.  I asked him to let me go... to let me find someone who could give me all the things he couldn't... to have my life back and not have to wait for someone to think I was important enough to stand up for. He said he would ... he didn't want to hurt me anymore. So, we said our tearful goodbyes, wished each other well.. and began our non contact. It was pretty easy.. he was on a family vaca in Florida so... seeing each other was out of the question... and I stayed offline and turned off my phone for most of the week so I wouldn't be tempted.  Joined the singles sites and started the grueling process of looking at profiles... reading emails and responding in kind... Trying, trying ... trying to start life over.

    Going through the motions.. and going so far as setting up coffee dates and a meet for drinks.

   Finally realizing.... you can't replace love with a stand in.  You don't just get another guy when the guy you love is still in your heart.   I couldn't even bring myself to get another dog right away after mine was put down.. because,  you need to grieve and accept and be ready to love again.  What made me think I could just find another Mark to fill in?

    Seems silly... but... I am picking up the pieces of my life and filling in the puzzle as I find them. This is a big 1000 piece jigsaw and it's going to take some time to get it all together and figure out what the final picture looks like.

   In my heart of hearts... I hope it has Mark and I together, sharing our lives, our families and our love... but, it all remains to be seen.

    He seems certain... and ... I can't help but believe him


  1. The unknowns are the most painful part of an inconvenient love, I think. At least that is what I struggle with the most. I truly empathize.

  2. As long as you can still continue with a fulfilling life, not hold yourself back from experiencing things you want to do, see, try, etc., then your relationship with Mark could be an enhancement. I doubt you'll ever "replace" him. As with your dog, there can't be a replacement for something you love. You will find another dog that you will love as much as your departed pet but you'll love it differently. I believe we have an endless capacity for love. It's just we love differently.

    I hope that you and Mark will be together, sooner rather than later, but before you worry about getting 996 pieces to fit in the perfect way, get your anchors in place first. Find the pieces to start the puzzle of your life from this point on.

  3. I know the two of you have struggled, I wish some peace and resolution, even though that may be a long time ahead of you...

  4. Holly: I have followed your story and I truly feel for you and your struggle. You can only do what feels right at the moment.. and put one foot in front of the other. I truly hope you find peace.

    Kate: Thank you... I see a long road ahead but the right now the journey is worth the destination.

    Nitebyrd: I never stopped living... I am blessed to have a very wonderful full life.. it just would be so much better if only.....

  5. My heart aches for you as you try to move on. I know one day you will be ready and in a place that's open and receptive to new love with someone that is available to you and only you.

  6. Sometimes loving someone means, to let them go. It was the hardest thing I ever did at the time. Today she hates me, because I found someone to love me, and she went back to her X-hubby expecting him to give her the promises he didn't the first time, which he did not deliver the second or third time around. She didn't love me enough to let go of what she thought she had in her hand and lost. It makes me wonder what would of happen to us, if I didn't love her enough, to let her go. Would I truly be happy today? Or would living under her what if, would of pushed us apart?

  7. belle: I suppose you are right. There will probably come a time when I will shut down or out if this continues this way. We don't always get what we want... but as the song goes.. sometimes we get what we need.

    1manview: Thanks for your insight and comment but, I am confused by your response. I have tried to let him go, but found I wasn't ready or able to move on. Do you think if she had left for you ... you would still be happy and together today?

  8. Oh Jen,

    My heart goes out to you. No, you can't replace the one you love just like that.

    I'm having a horrible time with the one I love. Not quite the same but some synchronicities.

    I've been seeing someone for the last two years and we've both maintained that we love each other to bits but are not going to leave but this is going to be a very, very long-term thing.

    Until - a month ago, he told me that his long term partner had got pregnant and that they would get married. I was so unprepared for the tidal wave of feelings I experienced. I had no idea I felt like this and tried to end it the very morning, his long term partner found out she was no longer pregnant. They are still going ahead with the wedding in six weeks' time. But even from the hospital, my boy was texting me and telling me he'd never felt closer to me and that he believed we'd come through this stronger and closer than ever. Mad. As I don't think he should be talking about "coming through his marriage" closer to a woman he's having an affair with.

    So I am like you. Wanting to walk away because I am scared of the pain ahead. Scared because I now know how much I am in love with him. Scared because in my case, I wonder if he loves me as much though I do wonder how much he loves his partner...

    Oh dear, sorry to have gone on. I wish you well and believe from your story that you will have a happy ending as your Mark does seem to love you very, very much x

  9. Anon: I am amazed by the number of people that respond to us that are in somewhat similar positions... ie.. having a life but in love with someone else. Your story is even harder to fathom as... he is just beginning his life/marriage to his partner so, it does seem like you a very long road ahead.
    I hope you find peace in whatever you decide. We can only do what makes us happy at the moment... and we all know that can change in the blink of an eye. Thanks for the comment

  10. I'm not sure what happened to all our comments.. they were here and then GONE...

    but thank you all for them.. I have reread them in my email and I appreciate your thoughts and insights...

    darn google blogger !

  11. As long as you believe the destination to be worth the trials and tribulations, then it's worth it... when you start to feel otherwise...




Thanks for your thoughts... we always welcome them, negative or positive... so, fire away !