Today... I wondered if there was anything left to say. Mark gave you the update of where we stand.. which of course is not much different than where we stood when we started this blog back in October of 2009, other than.. we are almost 2 years older!
We spent the morning together before Mark departed for a business trip that would keep him away from me for a few days. Him not being in the same state is about the only thing that keeps us from seeing each other during the week... our morning was spent not being sad because he was going away but, as our time usually is. After our love making we sat in comfortable chatter, sharing stories of the week, reliving moments of our past growing up.. learning more and more about the people we came to be before we became Mark and Jen. I know enough about his family and friends and co-workers to feel as if I do know them although we have never met. The number of times during those couple of hours that we tell each other "I love you honey" or "you make me so happy" can't even be recounted because the words flow so freely. He makes me laugh like no one else can. Our sense of humors are so similar that.. we often say or type the same smart ass remark at the same time.
I want you all to know that... yes.. when Mark told me he wasn't ready to leave his kids nor was he sure when he would be ready... My heart broke. I felt every piece of the puzzle begin to unravel. I was still going to be hiding in the shadows... fearful we might get caught... lying to friends and family.... spending weekends alone while the world celebrated. I asked him to let me go... to let me find someone who could give me all the things he couldn't... to have my life back and not have to wait for someone to think I was important enough to stand up for. He said he would ... he didn't want to hurt me anymore. So, we said our tearful goodbyes, wished each other well.. and began our non contact. It was pretty easy.. he was on a family vaca in Florida so... seeing each other was out of the question... and I stayed offline and turned off my phone for most of the week so I wouldn't be tempted. Joined the singles sites and started the grueling process of looking at profiles... reading emails and responding in kind... Trying, trying ... trying to start life over.
Going through the motions.. and going so far as setting up coffee dates and a meet for drinks.
Finally realizing.... you can't replace love with a stand in. You don't just get another guy when the guy you love is still in your heart. I couldn't even bring myself to get another dog right away after mine was put down.. because, you need to grieve and accept and be ready to love again. What made me think I could just find another Mark to fill in?
Seems silly... but... I am picking up the pieces of my life and filling in the puzzle as I find them. This is a big 1000 piece jigsaw and it's going to take some time to get it all together and figure out what the final picture looks like.
In my heart of hearts... I hope it has Mark and I together, sharing our lives, our families and our love... but, it all remains to be seen.
He seems certain... and ... I can't help but believe him
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1 month ago