Monday, November 1, 2010

And the Days Dwindle Down ... To a Precious Few

September .... November .....

So where was I? Ahhh yes.

Like I said in my previous post, after our late-June breakup things changed a bit. While our relationship and love for each other was still strong -- stronger than ever, I might add -- moving forward we did avoid talking about our future and where it stood relative to "The Plan". And while I tended to turn a blind eye to the upcoming fork in the road, Jen didn't. But instead of coming clean with her concerns, she more or less kept everything under wraps. Yes, part of that was giving me a chance to grieve over my Mom during the summer months and not complicate things with our issues, but another part was simply sitting back, observing and waiting for me to make a move -- looking for some kind of evidence that The Plan is moving forward. And when she didn't see that happening, she started reading between the lines looking for evidence that it WASN'T going to happen.

For example, at some point during the summer I needed to restock my supply of chlorine for my swimming pool. And I mentioned that I didn't need much to get me through the rest of the summer, but I bought the 90 lb. drum anyway since it would then "get me through next summer". Needless to say, Jen didn't want to hear any plans of my swimming pool for "next summer". Now at the time I said this, she never mentioned to me that she was troubled by the statement. In fact I had no idea it was even an issue until she mentioned it after the fact in her now-defunct breakup blog. And when I saw that, my point all along was that the swimming pool would be there next summer whether I lived at the house or not, and chances were damn good I'd be financing the chlorine, so why not make the purchase that made the most economic sense?

Now don't get me wrong -- we didn't break up over a 90 lb drum of granular chlorine. But it serves as an example of how we weren't communicating the "big issues". And it eventually spelled our October doom.

So yes -- summer turned to fall and with the holidays approaching, the lack of any discussion of The Plan was gnawing at her. And on Tuesday, Oct 12 she sent me an email. You see, our morning email had been a long-standing hallmark of our relationship, carrying on daily for almost a year, but that too had started to dwindle during the summer months. And she poured her heart out - "I miss hearing (in your emails) how much you love me. How much you enjoy our time together.. how much you miss me when we aren't together. All the talk of a future and the things we would/could do together someday. I can't help but wonder, are these all signs of the upcoming end of the year? and what of "the plan"? We sure avoid that issue like the plague don't we?" And continued on to close with "I truly was blessed to have found you... for I still love you more and more each day. And if that all ends in a couple months, I won't have one single regret."

And now looking back, my reply accelerated the spiral ..

"But the one thing I will admit ... The end of the year ... your birthday coming up .. Thanksgiving .. Christmas ... New Years ... Yes .."the plan". It weighs heavy on my mind. So if there is one thing that's bothering me .....it's that... And that's the paradox. If there's one thing I'm sure of -- and I've never been MORE sure of anything in my life -- it's that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But -- and of course you knew there would be a BUT there -- you know how I feel about my girls and the prospect of leaving them. It tears me up inside... But being without you tears me up inside ...Its such an overwhelming and mind-numbing thought process that yes -- I'm sure these are the "differences" you've noticed in me ... and there's not an hour that goes by in a day where the reality of it all doesn't slap me in the face... And what hurts me more than anything is how unfair this has been to you... Believe me, I understand that .. I realize that ...and I hate myself for doing this to you... And yes .. I don't talk about it anymore, and I don't blog about it anymore .. not because I love you any less or that I'm pretending everything is OK or I feel uncomfortable discussing any of this with you -- it's simply that its so painful. And the mere mention of "if it all ends in a couple months" -- well, needless to say I can't even fathom it. I just hate the "finality" ring to it all and I can't bear to think about it."

Little did I know that when I hit the "Send" button that morning, that we were one week away from saying goodbye.

6 comments:

  1. My heart aches for both of you.

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  2. All I can say is that I'm sorry and want to wish both of you the best in the future.

    FD

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  3. Mark,
    You should be with the person you love, who makes you happy. We all should.
    The end.
    PS (so NOT "the end" I guess):
    Loving your kids and being a great dad and being with the woman you love in a happy relationship ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, CONTRARY to what a few guys I know seem to think. :/

    <3

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  4. Mark I think you are a FABULOUS guy but you frustrate the heck out of me lol!

    If your wife threw you out, you would head straight to Jen yes? If this is the case why is that ok and why is your leaving your wife and making a stand not ok? So you can tell the kids that it was all her idea and feel better about it under those circs. Seriously would that sit well with your conscience knowing the full truth of the matter?

    I have said it before and will say it again, you are doing your kids NO favours role modelling them a realtionship that is NOT based on love and respect. I seriously would challenge anyone that says "oh we hide it well from the kids, they would never know." My answer to that is bullpoo, kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. You are not treating your wife in the same loving way that you treat Jen are you? Kids are so quick to pick up on body language. I clearly remember Loverboy's little girl (who was 7 when we moved in together and a real daddy's girl) sighing contentedly at us one day and smiling. When asked what she was sighing and smiling about she said..."can't you just feel the love?"

    Al and Nike have the same words for you in this instance...

    Just do it~! Life my friend is way too short to have regrets. Great loves are scarce as hens teeth and you have been blessed to have found that with Jen. You will always be your girls daddy and they will always love you to bits.

    Love Al
    xxx

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  5. This is a poignant post. So much I want to say, but I'll confine myself to two. First, it took me ages to learn that my love for the kids and place (and yes, even the pool!) was different than my relationship with my wife. My separation from her didn't automatically mean I was abandoning everything else.

    Second, as much as I like to believe in the "just do it" mantra, it's bloody hard. I mean, the AM line "Life's short, have an affair" is so vastly different, in possible consequence, from "Life's short, be with the one you love." though I think the latter is so much more important, ultimately.

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  6. Griefers, I don't even know what to say, not having been in this situation I can't imagine the pain you both must be enduring. But, it makes me sad that you are both miserable when it shouldn't/doesn't have to be that way.
    Best.
    Bella

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Thanks for your thoughts... we always welcome them, negative or positive... so, fire away !