September .... November .....
So where was I? Ahhh yes.
Like I said in my previous post, after our late-June breakup things changed a bit. While our relationship and love for each other was still strong -- stronger than ever, I might add -- moving forward we did avoid talking about our future and where it stood relative to "The Plan". And while I tended to turn a blind eye to the upcoming fork in the road, Jen didn't. But instead of coming clean with her concerns, she more or less kept everything under wraps. Yes, part of that was giving me a chance to grieve over my Mom during the summer months and not complicate things with our issues, but another part was simply sitting back, observing and waiting for me to make a move -- looking for some kind of evidence that The Plan is moving forward. And when she didn't see that happening, she started reading between the lines looking for evidence that it WASN'T going to happen.
For example, at some point during the summer I needed to restock my supply of chlorine for my swimming pool. And I mentioned that I didn't need much to get me through the rest of the summer, but I bought the 90 lb. drum anyway since it would then "get me through next summer". Needless to say, Jen didn't want to hear any plans of my swimming pool for "next summer". Now at the time I said this, she never mentioned to me that she was troubled by the statement. In fact I had no idea it was even an issue until she mentioned it after the fact in her now-defunct breakup blog. And when I saw that, my point all along was that the swimming pool would be there next summer whether I lived at the house or not, and chances were damn good I'd be financing the chlorine, so why not make the purchase that made the most economic sense?
Now don't get me wrong -- we didn't break up over a 90 lb drum of granular chlorine. But it serves as an example of how we weren't communicating the "big issues". And it eventually spelled our October doom.
So yes -- summer turned to fall and with the holidays approaching, the lack of any discussion of The Plan was gnawing at her. And on Tuesday, Oct 12 she sent me an email. You see, our morning email had been a long-standing hallmark of our relationship, carrying on daily for almost a year, but that too had started to dwindle during the summer months. And she poured her heart out - "I miss hearing (in your emails) how much you love me. How much you enjoy our time together.. how much you miss me when we aren't together. All the talk of a future and the things we would/could do together someday. I can't help but wonder, are these all signs of the upcoming end of the year? and what of "the plan"? We sure avoid that issue like the plague don't we?" And continued on to close with "I truly was blessed to have found you... for I still love you more and more each day. And if that all ends in a couple months, I won't have one single regret."
And now looking back, my reply accelerated the spiral ..
"But the one thing I will admit ... The end of the year ... your birthday coming up .. .. ... New Years ... Yes .."the plan". It weighs heavy on my mind. So if there is one thing that's bothering me .....it's that... And that's the paradox. If there's one thing I'm sure of -- and I've never been MORE sure of anything in my life -- it's that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But -- and of course you knew there would be a BUT there -- you know how I feel about my girls and the prospect of leaving them. It tears me up inside... But being without you tears me up inside ...Its such an overwhelming and mind-numbing thought process that yes -- I'm sure these are the "differences" you've noticed in me ... and there's not an hour that goes by in a day where the reality of it all doesn't slap me in the face... And what hurts me more than anything is how unfair this has been to you... Believe me, I understand that .. I realize that ...and I hate myself for doing this to you... And yes .. I don't talk about it anymore, and I don't blog about it anymore .. not because I love you any less or that I'm pretending everything is OK or I feel uncomfortable discussing any of this with you -- it's simply that its so painful. And the mere mention of "if it all ends in a couple months" -- well, needless to say I can't even fathom it. I just hate the "finality" ring to it all and I can't bear to think about it."
Little did I know that when I hit the "Send" button that morning, that we were one week away from saying goodbye.
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