Thursday, July 1, 2010

Within you, without you....

"and life flows on within you and without you" George Harrison

It's been rather quiet you may have noticed.

Things took a rather sharp right turn in the "saga of Mark and Jen"... notably.. a break down and break up.

I have been on this tumultuous ride.. emotionally. As Mark always says.. 'our high are high but, our lows are low.' It's been stated before how lonely I get and despite Marks efforts to make some time for me everyday.. the alone time, especially when the weather starts to get nice, gets harder.

You want to be out in the park with your guy, at the outdoor concerts, strolling along the river, hanging out with your friends in the backyard around a fire with a beer. This time of year is very exhausting for Mark.. he is involved in so many of his kids activities (and his children are very active) meaning, he is running morning til night. Add to that the fact that his job is stressful and his Mom is very ill and the man is carrying a heavy load. Now, also in the plus column.. put a girlfriend who wants more of your time and this whole equation gets almost impossible to solve... way too many variables.

The decision for us to take a break came after he had a rough Father's Day. I won't get into specifics but "the wife" made the day miserable for him... He texted me several times saying what a terrible day it was. My heart sank.. but, helpless all I could do was offer kind words and an ear. I thought he had reached a breaking point.

We spent the next day on our blanket having lunch and chatting about the past week and the events of the previous day. My emotional state has been on a sense of high alert for awhile... and an upcoming therapy appointment always adds to my anxiety. She knows of my affair and after having seen me through my terrible marriage and helping me be strong enough to get out of that.. she certainly feels I am sabotaging my life and setting myself up for major heartbreak. Therefore, I get very wound up for days before I know I am seeing her.

Let's fast forward and save you ALL the torrid details...
Monday.. the blanket session ended with tears and me accusing Mark of never being able to leave if after that Fathers Day fiasco.. he could still walk back into the house everyday like nothing happened. He asked for a day to talk to her.. and see if she wanted out as much as he did. I agreed to that. The "talk" turned into a battle and she just ran him over.. but, pretty much summed it up as.. let's just get along for the kids.
Tuesday ... nothing.. Mark is still reeling and trying to sort this all out.
Wednesday... I take the day off to work on some house stuff.. which also turns out to be impossible and expensive. In frustration and tears... I leave the house for hours to sit in a park and watch people, couples and families... enjoy life.
Thursday... we have an incredible morning together.. making love for hours before we have to head off to work. My afternoon appointment looming.

It ends badly. My therapist makes so many points I can't counter or defend. Am I crazy? Affairs are so much easier when they are about the sex.. but.. when the heart takes over.. they don't work. Marks LIFE is at home.. with his "wife" and 3 kids.. and I don't fit in anywhere there. I look terrible.. I feel terrible. Emotionally and physically.. I am drained and so is he. I need to give him back to them.. and move on.

SO, Thursday.. that was the decision I made.
Never did I imagine how hard that would be.


  1. I don't agree with "when the heart takes over, it doesn't work". However, life is a mean mistress.

    That's sad to see you both break up. I can imagine how you feel. Big hugs... to you both.

    We're here, anytime!

  2. Big hugs to you as easy words to make that pain go away that you are feeling right now.

  3. Many cyber hugs to you. I know breakups are a bitch. And I am not surprised how hard it is. But you said to fire away so here goes.

    I know your heart is breaking but in your heart you know you did the right thing. And it is time for you to move on and find a man who is going to be all yours. I know you will miss him terribly but you have to feel good that you had the strength to make the right move. The tough part will to avoid being drawn back in because you have such feelings for him. But think of how thrilled you will feel when you find a man who will be yours 24/7. And you will know you did the right thing in sending him back to his family. Good luck. Dry your tears and try to look into the future.

    And sorry if I upset you.


  4. I can't even find words. Sigh...

  5. it's so brave of you Jen. to be in this relationship takes so much courage but to break away from it, it takes even more courage. big hugs


  6. Thank you all for you support, kind words and especially for the HUGS.
    The time without Mark has been the most difficult of my whole life, and I say that having survived a divorce and many other adversities along the way. We have become best friends he and I... and we are still communicating in these tough times.. when I need my best friend more than ever.

    There is still more of the story to be told.. and there is still a story playing out.. hold on, this ride gets crazier.

  7. Jen - I do understand. Boy, do I ever. Sometimes, I want him to leave his wife...she is so mean to very hard on him. I totally get that frustration you feel. When I look at the big picture comparison, I guess my situation is different on a number of levels, but I do see some similarities I can totally relate to. My point comes down to this: Please write. I am here, and you know how to reach me.

    Huge hugs,


  8. Thanks Chloe... email is on the way.

  9. Very very sorry to hear this Jen. Of course I'll have to put my two cents in... Will email you soon.


  10. I look forward to your thoughts Amy. Thanks

  11. Jen, I'm sorry that you've gone through all this. It really is difficult when your heart and head are in two different places. Maybe a break is what you both need. It could give you and Mark thinking space.

    I've seen what "staying for the kids" can do to the kids when two people don't care about each other anymore and it's not really good. You don't do the children any favors.

    Good thoughts being sent to both of you.

  12. Awww fuck...

    That's all I have for the moment. =(

    And hugs.

  13. Hi there Jen

    I've been reading your blog for a while and thinking how much your story and Mark's gave me hope and to read that you had broken up really tore at me. I am so, so sorry and when you mentioned in one of the comments that you needed your best friend more than ever, I completely knew what you meant.

    I am completely useless with computers and don't want to post my details on here but hell, if you ever need a cybernet mate to talk to through these dark days, do tap back to the UK. I've never said this to anyone but have seen so many similarities in our stories and gosh, well, as I say, if you need a cybernet pal...

    Hugs to you, you poor love and I don't think this story has ended yet.


  14. Nitebyrd: it's so hard to choose when you fear you will lose your kids... regardless of what people tell you. Thanks for the good thoughts.. we can sure use them.

    Crazed: yep.. enough said right there.

    Anon: You have my email address.. feel free to drop a line.. maybe we can share our stories. You're right.. nothing worse than losing your best friend .. but, keep the hope and the faith... this story is def not over.

  15. Well damn I am commenting backwards because I missed this one but that does suck so damn bad. It seems to be an inevitable outcome when one is married and the other now. Of course I don't know shit about it but observing here and real life it seems one always feels like they are giving more than the other.

    Sucks either way. I'm pulling for you both and hope it all works out for the best.

  16. Sage: Thanks... if we only knew what "the best" was would be easier. So far, life without him sucks big time.. that much I do know.

  17. it's that tough to keep this relationship going, least mention the 'breakup' word. hang on Jen. life with Mark definitely sucks big time for you. but remember, you did not lose your love. you merely got hurt by the situation that you're in. hang on woman ;)


  18. oh dear. i just realized i typed something wrongly. it should be 'life WITHOUT Mark'



Thanks for your thoughts... we always welcome them, negative or positive... so, fire away !