Friday, July 9, 2010

It's so funny, how we don't talk anymore...

Cliff Richard.... Wow .. that's really reaching back .. Into the 70s, I think.

As you may recall from my last post, Jen suggested it was time for me to sit down with The Wife and have "the talk" -- the "what do you want from me and where is this marriage going?" talk. Now Jen has been urging me to do this for a while now -- not just for her own peace of mind, but for mine as well. So the Monday after the Father's Day Debacle, I decided that time had come and I would talk to her that evening after the kids went to bed.

And one thing leads to another that afternoon and evening, one distraction after another, and the next thing you know I'm snoring away on my bed by 9pm. The talk still hasn't happened. But around 11:30 I awake to find her yelling at me over some non-nonsensical minutiae, and despite being exhausted beyond words, I knew I had to initiate "The Talk".

It's at this point I'd like to harken back on a comment that our good friend nitebyrd made to my previous post: "I hope that your wife will not just hear your words to her but will also listen to you". Well, THAT turned out to be a complete fantasy. I started the conversation with a "We've got to talk .. We have some REAL problems here..." and was hoping that she'd have one ounce of sympathy in her to say "Yeah, you're right -- what's the end game here?" or something to that effect, but no .. she immediately adopted a confrontational position. Ain't no "listening" going on here. I tried to be calm .. I tried to be rationale .. I tried to discuss things like an adult ... but she would have none of THAT. Everything was thrown back in my face -- how miserable I've been lately, how emotionally removed I had been from the family for quite some time -- all the things I KNOW I had admittedly become were just being rehashed and regurgitated back at me without one concern whatsoever as to WHY I had been acting that way. And when I tried to explain .. when I made remarks like "You know, you are the one and only person in this whole world that I simply can not talk to .. not even have a conversation with .. its been that way for years", she would have none of that. She could have cared less about the root cause of the problem -- all she knew was that I was the one that was going to have to change. And this confrontation went on for well over an hour. By 1am I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and had to get to sleep.

And STILL .. no resolution. Nothing had changed... And now my focus was how was I going to explain this to Jen? I didn't have the answer I was looking for .. Jen certainly wasn't going to have the answer SHE was looking for .... AND ....

...the appointment with her therapist was looming just two days away. I was wound tighter than a drum. I was beaten down physically and emotionally over a 48 hour period and I knew .. I just KNEW .. that the week was going to get worse.

And my instincts were spot on.

11 comments:

  1. It probably wasn't the best time for THAT conversaton. Don't you think you need to find a calm moment and sit with your wife and try the conversation again?

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  2. I have been reading your blog all along and this is the first time I am really angry enough to comment. Seems pretty obvious which one of you two have the balls in your house Mark, and it doesn't look like it's you. If you are waiting for YOUR WIFE to decide what is best for YOU and Jen, then I'm glad you broke up. She deserves someone who loves her enough to have a life with her. Your actions or lack of, say it all. I hope she finds that someone to make her feel she is worth fighting for.

    C

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  4. Wow.

    A little harsh in the comments, IMHO, but since I can relate to being the one 'who has to change' and often not 'heard', I may be a little more sensitive to what you're going through. You & Jen both have my empathy hun.

    So who do we fix? Wife? You? Both? Neither?

    The answer is nearly always both.

    But, if she isn’t hearing & acknowledging what you say, it's easy to think she isn’t going to change and there is nothing you can do to facilitate a change in her--even if you truly wanted to. She may be, in her own way, thinking the same thing, but reacting to it in the only way she is accustomed to.

    And that is the end of Jae's attempt at analysis--I'll send you my bill. ;-)

    I'm not liking your instincts being spot on though...it always seems especially worse when you're already drained. You guys know how to get me if you need anything.

    Muah!

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  5. We really think Jen is a great catch and worth moving mountains for, walking over broken glass, rusty nails (you get the picture lol)
    Have no idea who anon C is and even though she/he has been quite brutal in the delivery of their comment we tend to agree. If your wife refuses to discuss this calmly and rationaly then that speaks volumes about her investment in your relationship. There comes a time in all faltering relationships where someone has to step up and be the hero and make the tough decisions - alone if need be.

    You know how much we care for you both and hope for a happy outcome for you as a couple.


    Much love

    A & L

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  6. *sigh* Confrontations are never fun, especially when they never get resolved.

    I understand you are torn between your happiness - which is linked with Jen's - and your kids' happiness.

    I can't relate because I don't have kids, but if the bad mostly outweighs the good in a relation (no matter the relation), then it is time to make changes and find your happiness.

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  7. Mark,

    Completely understand ur position. I will tell you, ur wife doesn't want that rational conversation because she knows where it's going to lead. I read u a lot but don't comment. I'm living the same life except we're both married with kids. I know Beast has been going through the same feelings of wanting to move mountains but being unable to do so.

    Everyone seems to think it's black and white, but it's a very gray place. No one wants to be the catalyst of someone's sadness, especially that of their own children. But, I will end with this:

    I think children are happier with two parents that are apart and happy than together and miserable.

    Much love

    Beauty

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  8. Mark,

    Let's look at this in a different way ... taking Jen out of the equation:

    Your wife isn't happy, and neither are you (yes, I have a talent for stating the obvious). If your marriage cannot be fixed, then it is probably time to end it. After all, it isn't fair to you OR your wife to remain in a marriage in which you are BOTH unhappy. By releasing yourselves from your marriage contract, you can BOTH move on, and you may BOTH find a peace and freedom that you cannot now imagine.

    There is no need to point fingers. There is no need to tell her about Jen. There is no need to hurt your wife by saying hurtful things. It will in fact only make it harder to move on if you go there.

    Your children must feel the pain of your unhappiness and be walking on eggshells. I was a child in an unhappy marriage, and when they finally split up, I remember thinking, WHY didn't they do that when I was still living there? I think we all would have been happier!

    HOWEVER, ending your marriage may put a very BIG strain on your relationship with your children. My husband's youngest daughter has nothing to do with her father, and her father was truly the good guy in the marriage problems between him and his ex. This is a risk you take when ending a marriage with children.

    If you decide to end it, can you move out of your marriage in steps? Get a separation so you and your wife can both have some breathing space? See how that goes, then if it makes sense to you and your wife, take the next step? You don't have to do it all at once ... just start taking the steps.

    One more option; have you thought about going to a therapist? I'm not talking about trying to save your marriage (I think you've decided already that there's no hope for that), but to help you end it.

    I wish you luck, Mark, and peace, and joy.

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  9. Mark,

    If you AND your wife are miserable, then it may be time to end your marriage and free the BOTH of you. Don't have "the talk". You don't need to; trust me, she already knows.

    Take baby steps if you need to; start by separating "just to give you both a break". And if that feels better, for both you AND your wife, then work on making it permanent. Go to a therapist if you need to, NOT to save the marriage, but to help you end it as peacefully as possible.

    You are not doing yourself OR you wife (or your kids for that matter) any favors by staying in a miserable marriage.

    I wish you good luck, peace, and joy

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  10. It's crazy how you both think it's fair what you are doing to "the wife". You will still see your kids if you leave, you can even share custody. Why are you being selfish and hurting Jen ( who you love) and punishing your wife , who is in the dark for all this time!? I mean do you still sleep with "the wife"? Has she not noticed something is wrong? Why stand in the way of her not finding someone to make her happy cause obviously you don't anymore.

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  11. Sumaria... thank you for the comment but, although we haven't posted.. I should update you. Mark and I broke it off in Jan 2012.. I couldn't bear being the other woman and feeling like there was no hope for change. And.. there hasn't been any. Mark and the Mrs. don't sleep together and haven't for years.. which is why he went looking for an affair. And while I agree he is standing in the way of her also finding happiness.. and losing his own despite what he thinks... you can lead a horse to water but.. you can't make him drink.

    Thank you for reading and commenting.. I guess I should write about the latest update but, I just don't have the heart to do it.

    ~Jen

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Thanks for your thoughts... we always welcome them, negative or positive... so, fire away !