That Monday evening, you would still be here with me...
- Mama's and the Papa's (showing my age)
First off.. many thanks to our "friends" who have offered advice and words of support either via email or comment. It really does mean a whole lot to both of us. We have come to see how lucky we are to have so many folks who truly care about what becomes of us. We will continue to keep you updated but we still have that week to tell you about...
That Monday...( from my end.)
We both already told you about Mark's terrible Father's Day. I received texts from him all day saying how miserable he was, how upset his youngest was, and how it was still only midafternoon by that point. I of course felt so bad for him.. and yet, so helpless. I just reminded him how much I loved him and if he needed me.. I was a phone call away.
Our Monday lunch was in our favorite park, in our favorite spot.. on our blanket. We have spent many an hour there this past year... getting to know each other, kissing, talking, laughing and yes, even eating. The feel of this day was so very different. He wasn't his usual happy self. The day before had def sent some wheels in motion and I didn't know what to think. I certainly didn't sit down on that blanket that day thinking, this may be the last time I see him.
But, as the conversation began.. and he told me of the sobbing of his daughter as the wife and he fought.. and how he realized what a different person he had become. At that point, my heart sank. He used to tell me he was a different person with me than at home.. but, that I saw the good side of Mark.. At home, he was quiet and careful not to say or do anything to set things off. He and 'the wife' seldom talked about anything he said.. but, he and I talked about everything. Suddenly, I felt the hammer drop. He wasn't happy. He hurt seeing his child in pain.. and he didn't like fighting back and making that happen. Mark is much like I was in my marriage.. the peacekeeper. Don't make waves.. just make sure everyone thinks everything is ok, and maybe it will be.
What do I say? From the tone of the conversation, this was going to end poorly for me. I could feel the “I can't leave my kids” coming from his mouth.. although he couldn't form the words to say it. I kept saying, 'you won't lose your kids.. they will always be your kids'.. but, when he said.. “Allison (middle child) still comes to kiss me goodnight every night” with tears in his eyes... I knew, I was foolish to keep fighting. I cried as I told him that, I needed to stop this then. I couldn't continue to hurt him, his kids and even his wife or myself. I felt like it was what he wanted to hear. No more feeling guilty about me or them. I was freeing him... for what I felt was a life of misery.. or a pretend life of happiness... BUT, I was sure it was what he wanted.
Then again, maybe I was wrong. He begged me to give him time to talk to her. He promised that he was finally ready to ask her what she wanted of him .. of them. He was hoping I am sure that she would say.. “I want you to move out”.. but, we all knew that wasn't coming. She stands to lose too much. So, yes... she deflected the whole conversation to what HE was doing to make them miserable.
The sad thing is... he bought in to it. Blamed himself for their terrible marriage because he has emotionally checked out after years of unhappiness. His last text came to me at about 1am... my heart broke for him as I read it.. it was so apparent how drained he was. I heard the beep of my phone and opened my eyes to see:
“I wish I were dead”
I cried myself back to sleep.