Sunday, July 11, 2010

Monday mornin' couldn't guarantee.....

That Monday evening, you would still be here with me...

- Mama's and the Papa's (showing my age)

First off.. many thanks to our "friends" who have offered advice and words of support either via email or comment. It really does mean a whole lot to both of us. We have come to see how lucky we are to have so many folks who truly care about what becomes of us. We will continue to keep you updated but we still have that week to tell you about...

That Monday...( from my end.)

We both already told you about Mark's terrible Father's Day. I received texts from him all day saying how miserable he was, how upset his youngest was, and how it was still only midafternoon by that point. I of course felt so bad for him.. and yet, so helpless. I just reminded him how much I loved him and if he needed me.. I was a phone call away.

Our Monday lunch was in our favorite park, in our favorite spot.. on our blanket. We have spent many an hour there this past year... getting to know each other, kissing, talking, laughing and yes, even eating. The feel of this day was so very different. He wasn't his usual happy self. The day before had def sent some wheels in motion and I didn't know what to think. I certainly didn't sit down on that blanket that day thinking, this may be the last time I see him.

But, as the conversation began.. and he told me of the sobbing of his daughter as the wife and he fought.. and how he realized what a different person he had become. At that point, my heart sank. He used to tell me he was a different person with me than at home.. but, that I saw the good side of Mark.. At home, he was quiet and careful not to say or do anything to set things off. He and 'the wife' seldom talked about anything he said.. but, he and I talked about everything. Suddenly, I felt the hammer drop. He wasn't happy. He hurt seeing his child in pain.. and he didn't like fighting back and making that happen. Mark is much like I was in my marriage.. the peacekeeper. Don't make waves.. just make sure everyone thinks everything is ok, and maybe it will be.

What do I say? From the tone of the conversation, this was going to end poorly for me. I could feel the “I can't leave my kids” coming from his mouth.. although he couldn't form the words to say it. I kept saying, 'you won't lose your kids.. they will always be your kids'.. but, when he said.. “Allison (middle child) still comes to kiss me goodnight every night” with tears in his eyes... I knew, I was foolish to keep fighting. I cried as I told him that, I needed to stop this then. I couldn't continue to hurt him, his kids and even his wife or myself. I felt like it was what he wanted to hear. No more feeling guilty about me or them. I was freeing him... for what I felt was a life of misery.. or a pretend life of happiness... BUT, I was sure it was what he wanted.

Then again, maybe I was wrong. He begged me to give him time to talk to her. He promised that he was finally ready to ask her what she wanted of him .. of them. He was hoping I am sure that she would say.. “I want you to move out”.. but, we all knew that wasn't coming. She stands to lose too much. So, yes... she deflected the whole conversation to what HE was doing to make them miserable.

The sad thing is... he bought in to it. Blamed himself for their terrible marriage because he has emotionally checked out after years of unhappiness. His last text came to me at about 1am... my heart broke for him as I read it.. it was so apparent how drained he was. I heard the beep of my phone and opened my eyes to see:

“I wish I were dead”

I cried myself back to sleep.


  1. My ex said to me, on that night, that he didn't want this to end, but he didn't want to lose himself either. I know his kids mean the world to him... So I said what you said.

    Often, the person who cheats feels selfish for what he/she is doing, but his wife is even moreso as she knows he's unhappy, yet won't even try to work it out, but would even blame him. (sorry, I don't like to bash anyone, I really don't...)

    Ending your relation won't bring happiness to Mark either; but I'm sure you want him to be happy, no matter what happens. (and that he wants the same for you)

    Hugs to both of you.

  2. Spring Flower: Yes, ultimately that is what LOVE is about.. seeing the person you love happy.. no matter how hard it is for you.

    That old saying about.. "if you love something..set it free. If it returns to you it will be yours forever.. if it doesn't, it never was yours to begin with" .. holds true for all of us. I hope you have a happy ending.

  3. yes. well said Jen.

    that's what i always tell my guy. if love was unfold in his loveless marriage once again, tell me & i'll leave him, no matter how hard it is on me. Just dont hurt me by keeping it from me in the dark. that's all i ask for. For him to be happy. i guess in the first place, we already knew that this path aint gonna be easy.


  4. Jo: How true about knowing this wouldn't be easy.. but, it is so easy to get caught up in all the amazingly good feelings of loving someone so much and being loved that you just think things will work out. Then, the reality hits...
    I told Mark the same thing and he knows, it's not fair to keep me around if he truly doesn't see a future for us. He just isn't sure what the path is at the moment.

  5. Yes! The feeling of loving each other, enjoying what we have. But reality strikes when you see couples holding hands walking past you.. Those lonely rainy nights when you wishes Mark was right beside you..when you could picture spending Christmas with him & all.. And that's when those tears will start rolling.

    I like your stand on the future thingy. I feel that mark should talk to his kids & explain to them rather than keeping them in the dark. One thing to highlight is that you do not have much youth to waste (no offence seriously) & a wonderful woman like you deserve to be enjoy a blissful rship.

    Growing up from a not-so-happy childhood, I must say that Mark deserves my respect for being a good dad & it's impt & meant alot to his kids .


  6. Sorry.. The 5th comment was posted by me. Pardon the poor grammars.. That's what happens when I'm using my iPod. Haha :p


  7. Jo: He is a great dad.. and always will be, no matter what happens, I know that for certain.

  8. Though I haven't been in his spot, and honestly don't know about his kids ages and such, but I could never ever ever ever imagine having someone else be my kids daddy. No matter how miserable I was with their momma. So without being there I can feel his pain. Sucks for sure.

    I have often said and have always believed the love thing between grown people seems to ultimately bring pain in every situation.

    Sucks girl. sucks bad and I hate it for you and him

  9. Sage: Sucks indeed.. big time. But one thing we can be sure of.. 'the wife' won't be marrying anytime soon.. she is a religious zealot and S E X is out of the question. What man wants to live with that for the rest of their life.. ??? No one else will ever be those kids Daddy but Mark.

    Thanks for the nice comment!

  10. But see the daddy thing I am talking about is some other motha fucka being with my kids and I am not. Watching the game, going on vacation such as that. I'm surely not saying he is tickled with his deal, he obviously is not. But the kid thing would be huge to me. He can get all the sex he wants elsewhere, its the love ting that throws the wrench in that.

    Now see it would be entirely different if she bailed and took the kids, that would be out of his hands. This way though, if it was me, I would see it as I had done that to my kids. Left them. My stance would be pretty much no matter what I could persevere whatever hardship if in my mind it was best for my kids. So no sex, ok. Does that suck, I am positive it does. But the kids don't suffer from that.

    This is all absolutely my take and not something I know diddly about not speaking for him for sure because I don't know how he sees it. That is how I think I would see it.

  11. Each entry is so painful to read. I can't imagine living it. I hope we are leading up to a happy ending. That last text from Mark really hit home with me. Gulp. I can't even form words, just had to comment and let you know we're still pulling for you.

  12. Frances: Thank you.. I worry so about you as well. You need to know that you can reach me anytime. There is strength in numbers and I think we can all use all the friends we can get right now.

  13. Jen, I can't possibly pass any comment here darling. All I can send you is a massive hug and tell you I'm thinking of you xx

  14. Jen, I just caught up on your blog and I was physically wincing at the painfulness of the posts. My heart aches for the both of you. I have no advice or wise words, but just offer you yet another virtual shoulder to lean on and know that a stranger in TN is thinking of you and wishing you and Mark happiness, in whatever form that takes.


Thanks for your thoughts... we always welcome them, negative or positive... so, fire away !