Help me if you can I'm feeling down .... (Mark's side)

So its been awhile since I wrote about anything with substance. After a few months of HNT's, toy reviews, sexcapade recaps, etc. Jen and I thought it was a good time to document the state of our relationship, i.e., where are we relative to "The Plan" we had discussed right after the holidays. We both wrote our posts in parallel, without consulting each other as to what we planned to write. Aside from the Beatles lyrics as post titles (I did see her "Ticket to Ride" title before I posted my story), any commonalities between our stories is purely coincidental. You can read them in any order .. Click here for Jen's side of the story.

What always drives these little re-evaluations we have is Jen's visit to her therapist. They are quite a traumatic event for her because frankly, the therapist isn't exactly president of the Mark "Fooled Around and Fell In Love" fan club. Personally, I just think she needs a Cyberglass G. So the appointment came and went and as always, Jen was very emotional afterward. So we got together the next day at her house, and while we didn't intend to discuss things, we just couldn't help ourselves and end up having a good cry over things.

So here's the latest... Somehow despite the fact that I'm married and rarely miss any of my kids sports activities and events at school (which include school softball, town softball, high school baseball, town baseball (coach), travel baseball (coach), girls basketball, high school fall basketball, high school summer basketball, ski club (chaperone), travel soccer, track, cross country (coach) and high school football - Oh my, this is starting to feel like a Barefoot Dreamer post!!! ), Jen and I still manage to get together almost every single weekday. Either for lunch, a late afternoon visit, mornings, or even sometimes in the evening -- somehow we pull it off almost every Monday through Friday. Now I'm sure any of you reading this that are in a similar situation are green with envy and saying to yourself "Wow! We only WISH we could spend that much time together... And you're complaining?" Well, the fact of the matter - yes - its just not enough. Weekends apart are brutal, and now heading into the summer months here in the Northeast where every church lawn fete, outdoor concert, art festival, backyard barbecue, 5K run and golf scramble is crammed into about 8 weekends of summer -- things that Jen and I can't do together -- its going to get worse before it gets better.

So all this has been weighing on her mind. And its weighing on my mind. Even though my weekends are incredibly busy, I find myself agonizing over wondering how SHE'S getting through it without me. Her kids are pretty much on their own, and it bothers me terribly knowing that she's spending a Saturday night or a Sunday afternoon alone. I keep replaying it over and over in my head -- "She deserves better than this.. She deserves to be out to dinner on a Saturday night. She deserves to be made love to on a Sunday morning. She deserves to be at the beach on a Sunday afternoon. We could be laying in bed together right now watching the Yankees game". I get so mad at myself for putting her in this situation, that it makes me cranky, irritable and basically unpleasant to be around on weekends. While I'm surrounded by so many people at all the activities I participate in, I feel so terribly alone.

And now what I've essentially done is put myself in a position where I can't make anyone happy. Jen's not happy when we're apart and the wife certainly isn't happy since I'm detached, cantankerous and ornery when I'm not with Jen. And what bothers me the most is I've invested so much of myself with Jen and with my family and what do I have to show for it? A bunch of unhappy people, is all.

And Jen's response to all this? "Then why Mark are we doing this to ourselves. Why CAN'T we both be happy, the only way we know how, which is together?" And my answer is still the same .. The same as it was in July of 2009 when we got into this, the same as it was during the Christmas holidays, the same as it is today heading into the summer.

My kids.

While my teenage son won't give me the time of day, my young girls still adore me. They were helping me in the yard this past weekend, giving me a hand in the garage -- things we have done together every spring since they were old enough to walk. Things they plan on doing with me next year and the year after that and the year after that. And I break down when I tell Jen this, but next spring when its time to do all these things again and I'm not there ..... Well ...... I can't even finish typing the sentence ...

And Jen will tearfully say to me "I can't ever see you leaving ..."

But that's where I disagree. You see, I can see myself leaving as that's why I got into this position in the first place. That's WHY I created the profile on Ashley Madison. I knew my marriage was essentially over and I wanted to position myself with someone that I could be with forever when the hammer finally came down on it. Now of course I had envisioned that would be 3, 4, heck .. 5 years down the road when the girls were off to college. But then Jen came along. And after 3 months I knew that I wanted to be with this woman forever ... starting NOW....

How long can I keep doing this to her? How many more lonely weekends can I make her endure? How many more sessions where the therapist asks her "So .... any update on THE PLAN? What has he done to change his situation?" And the answer is "nothing"? I know and understand I can't drag her along forever.

But then again -- I can't give her up. I can't even comprehend the thought of her not being in my life. It frightens me.. No ... it TERRIFIES me. Not only would I lose a lover .. the woman I have waited for all of my life .. I would lose my best friend. We have become such an integral part of each others lives .. to throw that all away and not have that to me is unthinkable.

And that's what drives me. I know in my heart-of-hearts that this fairy tale is all going to play out. Our dreams WILL come true. I've never been more confident of anything in my life.. But when prompted for some tangible evidence that I'm ready to move in that direction? Well, so far I haven't been able to produce anything. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

But I'm not giving it up. Ever.

She's got a ticket to ride.............. (Jen's side)

We apologize for not posting much of late, but our roller coaster ride (that we so often call this relationship) has been on a bumpy track these days. There have been so many day to day issues that become problems.. mostly for me of course. Mark has the glass half full outlook almost always. It is I who struggles with the emotional break downs. This past weekend as well as the one before have led to what has come close to our final goodbye. We decided to both post our separate feelings over the last couple weeks and the strain it has been for us in our different ways. So please read them both.

I struggle through weekends. I think I have mentioned that before. Not only because I don't get to see Mark, but the thoughts of the “family” time breaks my heart and my mood. Just a reminder of our situation... I am single, Mark is the married father of 3 kids all under the age of 14. Two of my young adult children still live with me, but they aren't hanging out with Mom these days. So visions of Mark with the family... visiting friends, or celebrating birthdays or graduations as I work in the yard or on the house alone oft times leads to dark days for this half of the equation. Consequently, my mood affects Mark and we are both end up feeling crappy due to my doldrums.

A couple weekends ago, as most weekends.. we weren't going to see each other. Mark was busy with kid/family/sport stuff.. Our usual Monday get together was hindered due to our work schedules.. I had the weekend blues. Mark tries hard to keep in contact with me via phone, text or IM. I seldom go more than a couple hours without some sort of update but, I was just feeling sorry for myself. While everyone else is having fun time.. I am alone and questioning everything. How can I be so loved by someone and still feel so alone? Didn’t I get out of an unhappy 25 year marriage so the last part of my life would be happy and peaceful? I keep hearing the words of my therapist saying..” He holds all the cards.. you do nothing but wait. How long are you going to let this tear you apart? What has he done to make you believe he will ever leave?” So many questions.. and I have no answers.

We finally got to have some time together Tuesday and I could barely look at him without welling up with tears. I truly feel that I am in a situation where I can't win. He loves his children more than life itself.. and who in their right mind could find fault with that?. I could tell by our conversation of that day if I asked him to choose, I would lose. I fear the outcome of this crazy ride.

After my second tough weekend, my morning email told of my frustration and how my strength and resolve were slipping. We met on our blanket.. in our spot for lunch. I pretty much offered to walk away. I told him how lonely I am.. My sadness at being a “non person” in his life. My jealousy that he had a whole other life without me. He confessed to lying to me about what he had done over the weekend in hopes of not ruining my day...his loneliness in his own home in a loveless marriage... how he struggles to make time with/for me and how it is never enough for me. So many confessions.. so many tears..I told him I knew he couldn't leave... and I knew how heartbroken he would be if he did. He cried as he told me a silly story about the girls and their excitement over the cleaning of the garage affirming my belief that they are his world and his happiness.

I know he is in a horrible place. He can't win. No matter what he chooses, someone gets hurt. It's either me or his girls. I am much too old and too wise (?) to think I could replace the hurt he would endure in not seeing them every morning.. or when he came home from work as they converge on him with their recaps of the day. I love him too much to ask him to leave. But, when he looked at me and asked me to just hang in there... I realized, I love him too much to say no. How long can I? Who knows.

*sigh* I never did like roller coasters.

Happy Anniversary HNT !!

As requested by our fearless leader Osbasso.. this week we celebrate the anniversary of HNT with our first HNT AND a recent recreation of that photo.... so..

here we go:


This was our first post for HNT:

and this... is the one I took this week: ( Click )
and another angle if you click the pic

Same nightie.. but, the bedspread is new!

Happy 5th anniversary HNT

Don't forget to check out Osbasso and see who else is playing.

Toy Review 2 - Kickin' Some Glass!

Jen and I have found that one of the major benefits of the adult blogging world is the periodic opportunity to be offered a chance to try out new toys ... And our good friends at The Adult Toy Shoppe have been our exclusive source of our pleasure toy play. After trying out the Men's Pleasure Wand back in February and our subsequent review here, once again our trusty vendor offered us another opportunity to review one of their products of passion. And who are we to say no?


So for months now, we have been discussing the potential of introducing a dildo of the glass variety into our reindeer games. Not sure what drove us in that direction, although I do remember some postings by our fellow bloggers giving a shout-out to the benefits of the phallic flute. So we excitedly ordered up the Cyberglass G. Advertised as "seemless and solid" (just like Mark!!), "it's covered with an array of bumps, curves and swirls to make your erotic experience that much better" . And not only that, but it's essentially two toys in one as you can use either end. And who are we to say no to a 2-for-1 deal? So we emailed the Toy Shoppe and eagerly awaited our delivery.

We mentioned it in the first review, but it still bears repeating -- shipping from The Adult Toy Shoppe is extremely quick and very discrete. We ordered it the Friday before Mark left on his business trip and as luck would have it, it arrived in time for our reunion the following Thursday.

When the package arrived I couldn't wait to run into my bedroom to break it open. I called Mark with the news and could tell he was as excited as I. After slicing open the box I saw my new glass toy enclosed in its plastic wrap. I must say, it is the most attractive I have ever seen. When they say “it looks like a piece of art” they are right on target. Heck, it's damn-near coffee table worthy. I could just picture my Mom dropping in some day and hear her as she's holding it up "What the hell is this thing? Just more shit to dust as far as I'm concerned..." We selected the blue colored variant and while very attractive to look at, the proof of course would be in the performance of our stunning, seductive friend.

The day it arrived was Mark's first day back from his business trip. After a round of rousing lovemaking and a bit of recovery time, Mark grabbed the toy from the end table and began to run it over my already soaked and sensitive pussy. The cold glass as it touched me sent shivers up my spine. I loved the feel of it, and he hadn't even slid it in yet. When the moment had arrived I was pleasantly surprised at how different it felt from my other toys. I loved the slickness of it, and the slight curve certainly hit the spot as my lover slid it in and out, a bit deeper each time, and all the while with his tongue working my ultra-sensitive clit. (I swear he was a juggler in a prior life!) And those bumps and curves were true to their word in enhancing the experience.

But the signature feature of all glass dildos, including the Cyber G, is its ability to adapt to the temperature of its surrounding environment. Much like a cold-blooded Gecko Lizard!! And after spending some quality time in my wanton pussy, it was sizzling to the touch when we brought it up to our lips to lick that smooth surface clean of all our juices. But watch out -- you could break a tooth if you're not careful!

Downsides? Can't think of many. I have since used it without Mark's help and tried both sides, each with its own sensations. I did find that I still needed clit stimulation in order to climax, but I think that may be just me. We did get a good laugh out of the red pouch it came with to store it. Mark commented that it looked like a penis warmer, which it did! But it does serve to keep my friend warm when he's not in use.

Final verdict? Two thumbs up for the Cyberglass G and many thanks to The Adult Toy Shoppe for giving us the opportunity to introduce yet another weapon to our lovemaking arsenal.

HNT and HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARK !!!

Today is Mark's birthday. I know that we can't celebrate by going to dinner or having cake and ice cream with the family. We will hopefully get to steal a couple hours together as he opens his gifts from me and reads my card.

If you get a minute.. leave him a Happy Birthday message.. I'm sure you can all tell that he is a great guy with a wonderful sense of humor and a kindness beyond measure.

My HNT is a click through reminding him.. how I'd like to celebrate...

For you .. (and of course the 3 other people that read our blog)

click :)

Love you babe...

Home Again

Just some quick notes... I am sure we will fill in the details at another time.

Mark joined me at my house early Thursday morning. I waited for him under the covers, my heart racing and the butterflies fluttering in my tummy anticipating his arrival. After having been apart for almost a week, to say I was excited was an understatement. I was a bit unsettled on Wednesday, as I knew he was home but.. the wife was the one who got to pick him up from the airport and be the first face he would see.

I always have that fantasy movie image of waiting for him as he comes through the gate.. that smile crosses our faces as we move toward each other and wrap our arms around each other as our lips meet for that 'so happy to see you' kiss. It wasn't to be this time.. I sat home and watched the clock knowing he was finally home, but, I wouldn't get to see him.

So despite the mood of the day before, the minute he opened the bedroom door and said.. "there's my girl".. all was right with the world. Our kisses and caresses were loving, sensual and our love making as passionate as it had ever been. No rushing, this was a moment we wanted to last forever. His lips on my aching breasts, fingers slipped into my already moist panties.. my fingers wrapped around his hard cock. We enjoyed each other and the chance to prolong the inevitable. The moment before he presses into me, he teased me further with rubbing the head against my hard sensitive clit. When he found me, I eagerly lowered myself onto him and rode him until we finished together.

After our time of laying under the covers, catching up.. we experimented with our new toy that the Adult Shoppe sent us to review ( that review is forthcoming). Mark first used the toy on me.. then I turned the tables and got the chance to show this toy's versatility but making him cum a second time that morning.

Other highlights of our time..
I am teaching Mark to read music and play the piano (he is a very quick learner) and I got him out to play tennis(a passion of mine) for the first time in years.

He was kind and patient enough to take me to the driving range to help me learn golf... a game I tried briefly as a youngster but found much too frustrating to continue. I know all you men are shaking your head at his unsound decision to take me up on this and Mark warned me that many a relationship has been destroyed over the silly game. He kept his cool and made several suggestions as we got through a bucket of balls without any crying or screaming from either of us, and ended up having a wonderful time.

These are the moments that we love the most. Spending our time doing the simple fun things that remind us, how good life is when we are together.

The toy review and more details on our reunion are soon to come. But, I haven't stopped smiling since Thursday.

HNT -- Reunited and it feels so good

We've been in different hemispheres since Sunday ... And today is -- you guessed it -- Thursday. What do YOU think we're doing this morning ? Just making more HNT memories....

Is it Thursday yet??

I am feeling lost...

Mark is away. Not just out of town... but, out of the country for work.

Different time zones and cheap cell phones.. make communication limited.

I have been spoiled by the opportunity to see him almost everyday and chat with him anytime of day or night. I empathize even more now for those of you who seldom have the chance for physical contact. Makes me realize how lucky I truly I am... and how hard maintaining these relationships are when you don't get to put your arms around them almost daily.

You all are very strong and dedicated to each other.



But, for now.. I miss him. Only 88 hours until he's home, but.. who's counting? =]