Friday, December 18, 2009

My AM story

July 2009

I'll tell my Ashley Madison (AM) story because I'm sure you may be interested in its success rate. A couple of years ago, I signed up for an account but was too cheap to back it with any real cash, and sat back and waited for all the women to fall at my feet begging me to sleep with them. And of course I didn't post a photo, because who the hell would do that??? I mean, isn't that what discretion is all about ? Being discrete? So of course I wouldn't post a pic because I was paranoid that I'd be "outed" by my coworkers, in-laws, or worst of all - the dreaded wife!!!

So like I say -- that was about 2 years ago, and it goes without saying my attempts were fruitless. But I decided to give it another shot, and this time funded it via Paypal, which the wife has limited or no access to. And of course, I spent the $50 minimum, which entitled me to 100 credits. These credits enable you to establish contact with a prospective mistress / lover / cheater - insert your favorite philandering term here - at a cost of 5 credits per message. Once you send a message and a response is returned (good luck with that fellas!!!) you are free to message each other free-of-charge, or better yet, work outside the AM messaging interface, which restricts you to something like 500 characters. So my first contact was with someone named "southerngirl", and it costs me 10 credits because like a moron I inadvertently ordered "Priority Delivery", which places your message at the top of the recipients Inbox, which must be a good thing because evidently the women on AM are getting constantly hit on. Well don't you know, southerngirl responds,we had some email conversations and some Yahoo IM chats, and before you know it she was sending me grainy cell phone videos working her vibrator in and out of her twat. Yes, a real classy broad. I mean, we hadn't even exchanged photos yet!!! So I nipped that relationship in the bud, as she also was reluctant to provide me a good face pic (always wearing sunglasses and no smile), and always prefaced sending me photos with a "You know, I really don't photograph well...." tale of woe... I know most women don't like to have their picture taken, but gee whiz, if you keep telling me you're a mutt at some point I'm going to believe it.

So that was the end of southerngirl, but I still had 90 credits left in the bank. A no-reply here, a rejection there and before you know it I'm down to 70 credits. And now I'm starting to get self-conscious. Why no luck? The worst rejection was by a girl pseudo-named "trippedup". We exchanged a series of 2 or 3 emails, seemed to be establishing a rapport, and then comes the dreaded photo exchange. "I'd love to chat more Mark, but I have a real busy weekend coming up -- talk to you on Monday!!!", was her reply... And Monday never came. Gulp. Talk about a serious ego-deflator....

OK Mark .. let's not get too down on yourself .. take a deep breath .. let's browse these profiles ... yeah, you may be an engineer, but you're still not the classic geek ...Let's give this "world_wide_wonder" a try ....... Type my intro, hit "Submit", account debited 5 credits ....

And five months later, I still have 65 credits in my account... Game. Set. Match.

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