Our Holiday thoughts....

 As we approach the holidays ... and the end of the year...

I would like to wish all of you a very Happy Holiday and A Happy, Healthy and Properous New Year 

from Mark and I...

It has been a trying couple months...  we have both had some rough times outside of just the break up .. I think that all of this will be posted sometime in the near future...  

True Love is hard to let go of.. 

We have both been disappointed....

We maintained our friendship throughout it all...  and we have been again blessed to have such a great support of friends that we met here.... People who email  or message to check on us even though we haven't been blogging. You all know who you are.. and you hail from all over the US and other continents.  How would we have ever been so lucky to know these people if not for this blog?

  In many ways... this blogging world has been a gift.. but,  it has also caused some heartache.   Therefore... we have promised each other to stay away from getting caught up in it.  I am apologizing ... as many have before me... if we seem lax in commenting or reading, but... it's something we need to do for the moment.

We are working to see what comes next for us... but.. we haven't forgotten you all...

This time of year causes you to reflect on your losses and your blessings...  We , like everyone, have had both... But those who have supported and befriended .. shared your comments and your thoughts... are something we hope we  never lose. 

Many BLESSINGS to you all... enjoy your family time... good food... and those gifts you can't wrap...

Merry Christmas !!

State of "affairs" ... (jen)

I thought I might update for those of you who are still reading or still care about what is going on with Mark and I. And since this is still "our" blog .. I figured I could give a 'state of affair'  post.

We are not out of touch. If anything.. we are probably more "together" without being physically together than ever.  If that makes any sense.. then continue reading.

I guess what I am trying to say is... we are still in contact everyday, at least a couple of  times a day. Whether it be via instant message or phone... we still chat at least first thing every morning and before bedtime.  Our friendship is as strong as it has ever been. 

Have we seen each other since that fateful day of Oct . 19th?   We have .. a few times.  If you don't read my blog you probably don't know about some of the stuff that has been going on in our personal lives but, suffice to say.. we have both faced some challenges of late.  Mark in his family life... me in my both my personal and family life.  We've gotten together a few times to share our sorrows, cry some tears and as we always do.. hold each other up. 


Take note... there has been no "line crossing"...  no sex (not even in Bill Clinton terms).. no make out sessions.. no clothing removal except for coats or shoes.  But, each time.. we felt that comfort that we both get from each other and know that our friendship is as special as our relationship was.

What comes next for us?  Of course.. that remains to be seen.  We are 7 weeks into the break up. I think we both are handling things as best we know how.  Mark knows where I stand and that this isn't going to last forever... meaning,  my waiting to see what will happen. I as well am aware, that he may not leave anytime in the near future because he just isn't ready . Both of those 2 things could lead to us finally saying goodbye forever.  We just couldn't possibly keep our lives on hold indefinitely.  On the other hand... in light of some of the stuff that has been going on at Marks end.. he could be ready to leave sooner rather than later.

In the meantime... we keep in touch. Both of us knowing that tomorrow could be the day either one of us could say  goodbye.. or it could be the day that he shows up at my door with his bag in hand. The holidays are going to be difficult .. the imagination runs wild about what could happen..  BUT...

I hope with the new year we can find our way to some sort of new opening... or closure if that is to be the case.

Happy Holidays to you.. and yours.  Count your blessings, hug your kids and tell those you love how much they mean to you.. You never know what tomorrow could bring.

*hugs*

There's only one place that call me one of their own

I just thought I'd say thanks to Jen for keeping everyone up to date as per our status. Yes, we indeed are alive and kickin'.

So why haven't I, Mark, been posting, you ask? Jen and I had this conversation yesterday. It's been very difficult for me emotionally to make my way to post here because it was and it still is "our" blog. About a year ago this time, Jen and I were conceiving the idea for this blog as we had been just recently introduced to the blog-o-sphere. We talked about our love for writing and the excitement of the anonymity of it all, and to tell you the truth, it was mostly conceived as the story of our sexual hi-jinks. My oh my, how that all changed -- a real story with real lives affecting real people was playing out before our eyes.

As the blog progressed, Jen and I would brainstorm posts together, take turns writing, discuss potential responses to comments, etc. And as the comments and emails rolled in, we started to form bonds with our commenters and other blogger friends. A good percentage of our conversations during the day would be discussing the latest posts from Frances and Daniel, Barefoot Dreamer, Adulter-Us, GLNO, Loverboy etc. This ultimately became "our little hobby" -- something that we did together. Every day I would pour over Google Analytics statistics to see where our readers were coming from, what new country had joined our growing list, who was reading us locally, what states did we need to complete our trek from sea-to-shining-sea. (We FINALLY got South Dakota last week and now have all 50 states plus the District of Columbia!). And I would excitedly report it all to Jen.

So yes, there's a big part of "us" here on Fooled Around and Fell in Love. 100% "us", as a matter of fact. And now that Jen has moved on primarily to her own blogging adventure, this blog has lost a lot of the "us" about it. While yes, she did post last week just to make up for my slacking, it still breaks my heart to visit here and see the history that we had between us -- the good times we enjoyed, the heartache we endured, and yes -- the mind-blowing sex we had and the love we made.

But you know what? Having said all that, hope springs eternal, and I'm not giving this up just yet. Consider this the first post of that comeback. And who knows? Maybe there's some underlying, subliminal message in all this. As the title of this post (from Bon Jovi's Who Says You Can't Go Home?) says "There's only one place that call me one of their own" .... And I've found that here amongst all of our blogging friends.

Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone!

we are still alive...

(posted by Jen)

 I know we have been lapse at posting...

Yesterday was one month from the day we broke up.  It also would have been our 16 month 'anniversary' as a couple. There is some irony that the 19th signifies both days.. the best and the worse.


It has been difficult to come back to this page.. for both of us. Hard to think about writing anything when we have no good news to share at this point. Hard to talk about who we "were" as a couple and who we "are" now as a non couple. 

Many of you have found my other blog and left some very nice comments. Supportive, sympathetic and kind. I thank you for that and just for caring still about us both. Understanding the tough choices going on here and how hard it is to try to keep you all informed.

Mark has really had difficulty putting "pen to paper" even though I know he would like to. Neither of us are having an easy time here.

Just so you know... we still chat daily.  We don't really see each other so, that emptiness is very painful. But, the plus side to this is all is... we have communicated our feelings to a deeper level than we have in a very long time. Laying all those cards on the table so to speak.  We do the day to day..  so, yes.. we are still alive...

but .. not really  living.


Thank you all for being such wonderful "blog" friends..  we do appreciate all of you more than you know.

Public Service Announcement - Private Blogging

Due to the sudden rash of bloggers being "outed" these days, and also to act as a public service for my fellow readers who just may happen to be cheating on their respective spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, mistress, lover or all of the above, you might want to consider using Mozilla Firefox as your browser and enable it's "Private Browsing" feature. This mode enables you to browse the internet without your computer saving any data about which sites and pages you have visited. For example, if a friend or family member shares your computer, you might prefer for them not to be able to see what websites you've visited or what files you've downloaded. And you can default Firefox to open up in this mode all the time! For more information on this feature, click here.

Now I understand that this isn't the be-all and end-all of safe browsing, but it does help. And this is certainly not to imply that all my readers are two-timing or three-timing adulterous deviates (not that there's anything wrong with that) ... It's just that if we can practice Safe Sex -- why not Safe Surfing?

And the Days Dwindle Down ... To a Precious Few

September .... November .....

So where was I? Ahhh yes.

Like I said in my previous post, after our late-June breakup things changed a bit. While our relationship and love for each other was still strong -- stronger than ever, I might add -- moving forward we did avoid talking about our future and where it stood relative to "The Plan". And while I tended to turn a blind eye to the upcoming fork in the road, Jen didn't. But instead of coming clean with her concerns, she more or less kept everything under wraps. Yes, part of that was giving me a chance to grieve over my Mom during the summer months and not complicate things with our issues, but another part was simply sitting back, observing and waiting for me to make a move -- looking for some kind of evidence that The Plan is moving forward. And when she didn't see that happening, she started reading between the lines looking for evidence that it WASN'T going to happen.

For example, at some point during the summer I needed to restock my supply of chlorine for my swimming pool. And I mentioned that I didn't need much to get me through the rest of the summer, but I bought the 90 lb. drum anyway since it would then "get me through next summer". Needless to say, Jen didn't want to hear any plans of my swimming pool for "next summer". Now at the time I said this, she never mentioned to me that she was troubled by the statement. In fact I had no idea it was even an issue until she mentioned it after the fact in her now-defunct breakup blog. And when I saw that, my point all along was that the swimming pool would be there next summer whether I lived at the house or not, and chances were damn good I'd be financing the chlorine, so why not make the purchase that made the most economic sense?

Now don't get me wrong -- we didn't break up over a 90 lb drum of granular chlorine. But it serves as an example of how we weren't communicating the "big issues". And it eventually spelled our October doom.

So yes -- summer turned to fall and with the holidays approaching, the lack of any discussion of The Plan was gnawing at her. And on Tuesday, Oct 12 she sent me an email. You see, our morning email had been a long-standing hallmark of our relationship, carrying on daily for almost a year, but that too had started to dwindle during the summer months. And she poured her heart out - "I miss hearing (in your emails) how much you love me. How much you enjoy our time together.. how much you miss me when we aren't together. All the talk of a future and the things we would/could do together someday. I can't help but wonder, are these all signs of the upcoming end of the year? and what of "the plan"? We sure avoid that issue like the plague don't we?" And continued on to close with "I truly was blessed to have found you... for I still love you more and more each day. And if that all ends in a couple months, I won't have one single regret."

And now looking back, my reply accelerated the spiral ..

"But the one thing I will admit ... The end of the year ... your birthday coming up .. Thanksgiving .. Christmas ... New Years ... Yes .."the plan". It weighs heavy on my mind. So if there is one thing that's bothering me .....it's that... And that's the paradox. If there's one thing I'm sure of -- and I've never been MORE sure of anything in my life -- it's that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But -- and of course you knew there would be a BUT there -- you know how I feel about my girls and the prospect of leaving them. It tears me up inside... But being without you tears me up inside ...Its such an overwhelming and mind-numbing thought process that yes -- I'm sure these are the "differences" you've noticed in me ... and there's not an hour that goes by in a day where the reality of it all doesn't slap me in the face... And what hurts me more than anything is how unfair this has been to you... Believe me, I understand that .. I realize that ...and I hate myself for doing this to you... And yes .. I don't talk about it anymore, and I don't blog about it anymore .. not because I love you any less or that I'm pretending everything is OK or I feel uncomfortable discussing any of this with you -- it's simply that its so painful. And the mere mention of "if it all ends in a couple months" -- well, needless to say I can't even fathom it. I just hate the "finality" ring to it all and I can't bear to think about it."

Little did I know that when I hit the "Send" button that morning, that we were one week away from saying goodbye.

Some of the best laid plans....

So as promised, I'll continue to dribble out details of our "understanding" as I get the energy and enthusiasm up to post. But as you might recall from my Life is what Happens When You're Making Plans post, on that day back in January of this year we came to the agreement that never would we spend another miserable holiday season like we endured in 2009. And to quote "The Plan" from that post, that meant I would have to "resolve my current situation by then and leave Jen no doubt in her mind whatsoever that our lives together will soon begin, if not having done so already. And along the way -- between now and the end of 2010 - I have to give Jen hard evidence that the wheels are indeed in motion".

Now looking back, this was quite a heady plan to make after having known each other for less than 6 months. But we knew then -- as we do now -- that we had both found that special someone we wanted to spend the rest of our days with ... and The Plan seemed realistic.

So we forged on .....

But then June came, and that fateful Father's Day weekend, and The Plan was in jeopardy. Jen's confidence was severely shaken and for a brief period at the end of that month we broke up. And things kind of changed after that. Jen lost all confidence that I would ever leave, and the stresses of a relationship such as ours was starting to take it's toll on me. To complicate things, June and July were the last month's of life for my Mom, and I was dealing with that almost non-stop as well. Summer 2010 will go down as the most stressful period of my 51 young years, not only because of our breakup and my Mom's passing, but also because of the standard stuff an over-involved Dad commits to during the summer for his three kids aged 11, 12 and 15.

But we survived. Well, sort of. Talk of The Plan dwindled significantly -- to the point where it was almost never mentioned. And my excuse was -- and yes, I'll call it an "excuse" -- is that my time with Jen was my oasis from reality. You see, those couple of hours I would spend with her every day, or that extra daily time I would spend on the phone with her or Instant Messaging -- that was my escape from the daily grind that had become my life. If we wrote it once on this blog, we wrote it a million times -- during those moments, all was right with our world. And from my perspective, why complicate it all with talk about forever when I was craving a respite from the here and now?

Like I said -- an excuse for not dealing with reality.

But then heat of the summer faded into autumn. Which brought us to the here and now I was avoiding.....

More on that in the next post......

Time takes you by the hand directs you where to go..

Thanks to Beryl for playing along and picking up the next line in that Green Day song.

Anyhow, I just want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and comments to yesterdays post. Apparently the readers are still there, as to date we've had 9 comments and 100+ visitors since I posted. You've all inspired me to continue posting to this blog, but gee -- if there's no "Mark & Jen" -- then what pray-tell am I to blog about? My opinion on whom my favorite winless NFL team should select in the 2011 Draft? My thoughts on Joe Girardi's managing of his pitching rotation in that fatal series vs. Texas? Or better yet, how much I despise the growing amount of time I spend at the Can and Bottle Return center of my local supermarkets?

While those are all very important and critical topics in my mundane life, I'll start with this. Today is now exactly one week since Jen and I decided to take a little break. So obviously I'm feeling somewhat verklempt and choked with emotion. And as the days wear on, I'll continue to let details emerge of what happened, but if you're looking for "my side of the story" or a War of the Roses breakup script, I must tell you -- there's no there "there". We came to this -- I'll call it an "understanding" -- yes, with plenty of tears and heartache, but no harsh words. Not a single word was uttered in anger because frankly, we have such an integral understanding and compassion for each others situation and circumstances that simply put, has inspired no rage nor resentment on either of our parts.

So since that day one week ago, Jen and I have had daily contact. Mostly via Instant Messaging, but there were a couple of phone calls when some health issues of hers flared up. But its nowhere near what we did when we were together, seeing each other a couple hours every day 4 to 6 days a week supplemented by three or four extended daily phone conversations, not to mention the sporadic texts and IM conversations. And I'll admit -- I miss those "connections" as much as I miss her touch, her kisses, her hugs.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little empty these days....

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road...

I'm sure you've all noticed we haven't been posting much as of late, and you're probably suspecting something is amiss in Mark and Jen's world.

Well, this time you're right.

Jen and I have taken a break here ... I hate to call it a breakup, but she started a journal entitled "Diary of A Breakup", so if it quacks like a breakup .... it's probably a breakup.

I won't get into the gory details or the reasons why because I know when it comes to these kind of affairs, its ALWAYS the married guy that comes off as the bad guy. So go ahead -- have at me. I know I'll hear the inevitable "man up" remarks -- it comes with the territory. As time passes, I'll probably come clean with more details, but for now I've kind of been in shutdown mode. It's taken me almost a week now just to author this post since I only thought it fair that people should know what's become of us.

So bottom line, we short-circuited the one year "Plan" at the nine month mark, just as it had been short-circuited at the 6 month mark. Somehow we survived that one -- will we survive this? Only time will tell.

Hard to say if this blog maintains it's interest to any of you anymore, but if I sense there's still visitors and commenters, I'll be more than happy to continue writing. Like Jen, penning my thoughts is somewhat therapeutic for me, and perhaps it'll help me make sense of it all.

And perhaps at some point in the not so very distant future, we'll both be in this together again....

HNT.... another view

Last week I let Mark pick his favorite shot of the few I took... this week,  I am posting mine.

Not much different, but... here goes. 

                                 ...........HAPPY  H N T ....................

  Stop by Osbasso's place to see who else is playing today.

HNT - Good Morning

Probably by the time you've read this post this morning, I'll already have snuggled up next to my love and done away with that sexy nightie .. On second thought, maybe we'll leave it on..



HAPPY HNT.... And go visit Osbasso and see who else we're waking up with this morning...

I think I'm "fall"ing for you......

Happy Fall !

I love fall. I am a huge fan of the colors we get to see here in the northeast as the leaves change and the sky takes on hues of purple and shades of pink and orange. The cool nights. The chance to stoke up my fireplace. Wearing my warm comfy sweaters. The smell of the air after the leaves have begun to fall. More time with Mark alone at the house as my kid's schedules take on a more structured time frame. Our mornings in my bed before we head off to work.

Today, was one of those days where Mark came over very early... comes quietly into the house and slips under the covers with me. Every time I see my bedroom door open and him walk through, my heart starts beating faster. Especially when he comes dressed for work in his shirt and tie... so very sexy. He says he loves how warm my body is from being under the covers. Within moments of saying hello, we were kissing like teens in heat. We hadn't had this kind of time since our sleepover.. and making love to him was a longing I can't even put into words. I knew I was soaked just from kissing and when he slipped his finger into my panties.. he got evidence of how turned on I was.

Before long it was my turn to play. My fingers closed around his already hard cock and the moan I heard from him told me he was missing my touch. I can never resist the chance to move my mouth to his balls and suck and lick. Then move up to swallow his cock deep.. we were both on our sides and that offered Mark the opportunity to move his hips take control of the speed and depth. I love when he does this.. sometimes forcing it deep until I gag.. other times just fast short strokes as my lips stay closed tight around him. Wasn't long before I was asking him to fill me.

I was on my hands and knees waiting for him to enter.. and that moment when I finally feel him is always one of my favorites.. whether we are outright fucking or making love slow and tender. Today, was a bit of both.. definitely a perfect mix. I came first... biting the pillow so not to make too much noise as the house wasn't empty yet. Not long after Mark followed with his earth shattering orgasm. Stiffling his screams as much as possible.. which makes it all the more entertaining because, you truly never know what sounds Mark will make in the throes of the moment. Usually as he's coming down.. he will sing or yodel or make some crazy sound.. always making me laugh.

Our time was short but, we still had some special cuddle time which we both love. We relax, we talk, we laugh, we run our fingers over each other, look out the window at the beginnings of the day... just look at each other and smile and slip into one of Marks amazing hugs where I forget about all my troubles and the rest of the world.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. The end of the year is coming up fast and Fall will turn to winter. Winter will force us to look at the holiday seasons and revisit what happens next and make some hard decisions.

*sigh*
I wish Fall could last forever.

HNT success!!

Mark and I had our "sleepover"... and it was an amazing day/night.(We have a video to prove it !!)

Details to follow... but rest assured, Mark spent a lot of time unclothed... like this:

and we spent a lot of time doing fun stuff like THIS ... in various positions of course.


  I'd say the sleepover was a success.  What do you think?

                 HAPPY   HNT.... Go visit Osbasso and see who else is playing !

Let the countdown begin....

In about 71 hours...  I will be in a place I often dream about.

No, not the Carribean, not Capri,  not even  Las Vegas. 

I will be right here... in my own home.. in my own room, in my own bed. This time though, I won't be alone.  I will lie in bed next to the man who makes my heart flutter, brings that huge smile to my face and truly makes my day better.


As the 'girlfriend/mistress' I almost never get to sleep next to the man I love.  As a  matter of fact, in the 14 months  we have been together... we have slept in the same bed only 3 times. 

I envy those of you who have the luxury of that every night.  Feeling his warm body next to yours, his breath on your neck, his arms wrapped around you especially during those dreadful storms.  Waking up to hear his lips whisper "I love you" as he kisses you good morning to start  the day.  Ohhhh, how lucky you are.

On Tuesday night,  I get to have Mark all to myself... in my house, in my room and in my bed.. until the morning light.. and you know what ?

There is nowhere else in this world I would rather be.

It's centrifugal motion .. it's perpetual bliss...

Back before I met Jen, the one thing I really missed most from an intimate relationship was the kissing. I always thought kissing was very underrated ... but little did I realize how underrated it REALLY was until I found my perfect partner in Jen. I mean .. when I say our kissing is hot - I mean it's SMOKING HOT. Instant hard-on hot. Panty-soaking hot (speaking for Jen). Since Jen's kids are still home much of the time (especially during the summer), full-on naked wall-pounding primate sex is not always in the cards, so we'll steal away to her bedroom for a while and have one of our intense make-out sessions. And I'll tell you what -- it's intoxicating. Fourteen months into this, and I still can't get enough of our tongue-tangling sessions. Just yesterday afternoon I had about a half-hour window of time where I could sneak away to catch a couple innings of the Yankees game with her, and of course it wasn't too long before we were rolling around on the bed playing tonsil hockey.

And today's another day!!!!!

Another milestone... and the big 300 !

We hit another milestone today. It was one year ago that Mark and I had sex for the first time.

If you recall.. we celebrated our first anniversary of meeting back in July. We knew almost from that first cup of coffee on that picnic bench a year ago that... we had something special. We talked for 3 hours that first day in what seemed like minutes. We even spent another 10 minutes saying good bye at our cars. No kissing, almost no touching... just that special communication that comes with your eyes, your laugh and the sound of your voice.

Although we met on Ashley Madison with the intention of finding someone to satisfy our physical needs... something told us that day that we had found so much more. So instead of running to the nearest motel after we met … we spent the next month and a half getting to know each other. Lunches in the park where we shared that first kiss, our first lunch out in public at a restaurant, our first time at my house meeting my kids. So many firsts and each day we realized how special what we had was. The reality of falling in love with a married man didn't hit until much later.

Then, we finally decided we were ready to take that step. We set a date and worked out our stories so we could meet and consummate this relationship. I checked into the hotel the day before. I went up to the room and lay on the bed.. thinking about what would happen there the next morning. I put candles in the room, whipped cream in the fridge, and texted Mark to tell him how nervous and excited I was. Then went home to try to sleep in anticipation of the long awaited moment when I could lay naked with him, feel him get hard as my lips covered him, then that amazing feeling of his hard cock pressing into me and spreading me open as pushes in deeper. The day turned out even better than I had imagined. With only a few hours we managed to make the most of it, the final orgasm count for that morning was 4 for me and 3 for Mark. He joked about starting a counter to keep track of them and before I knew it.. the Orgas-o-meter was born.

Mark has kept track of each and every time we have been together and where and how many of the BIG O's each of us have had. It even keeps track of the things we managed to cross off the bucket list. Today.. as we celebrated our one year of lovemaking... we did it by hitting our 300th and 301st .

I still love the feel and taste of his cock... the way he makes me squirm when his tongue plays with my clit... the feeling as the head of his big cock begins to push into me and my pussy grips around him. After one year and over 300 amazing climaxes... it's still incredible and never enough.

Happy Anniversary Darling...I love you ...

you make all right with my world.

HNT - A Pirate's Life for Me

Let's see. Just knocked off Fantasy #56 on our Bucket List -- Outdoor Sex. Anything else we can check off while we're still here? Hmmmmm.. How 'bout #60 -- Boat Sex? Still got time. Still have the hot sun. Still have two willing lovers anxious to get naked. All we need is the boat.

Gee.... I wonder if anyone left the keys in one of them there vessels .....

Not exactly Half-Nekkid .. But I am sportin' those shortie britches....

Fantasy #56 - Mission Accomplished

While on our recent Day Trip to the Finger Lakes, Jen and I were determined to fulfill Item #56 on our Fantasy Bucket List - Outdoor Sex. So we strolled along the lake looking for an opportune spot, and found an open meadow with a clump of trees behind which we went to work.

Because we had been having heavy makeout sessions throughout the morning -- Jen giving me periodic cock massages through my shorts and in turn, my fingers finding my way up her capri pants to her ever-moist pussy -- there was no foreplay required when we threw our blanket down. Jen quickly pulled her capri's and panties off one leg whilst I pulled down my shorts, exposing my already rigid cock through my boxers. And we went right to work.

It lasted about 30 seconds. As I began to thrust deep inside her, I knew I wasn't going to last. I started to slow down and was terrified I was going to finish too soon when I heard those words that are music to my ears "I'm gonna cum baby ... Don't stop .. just like that ... yeah .. that's it..." And we both exploded in unison. It was a pure, pent-up, lustful fuck. We did hear some giggling coming from a boat parked not too far offshore, but did they see us? Probably not -- but if they did, who cares? It gave 'em something to talk about back at the office.

Before we picked up and made our getaway, I shot this photo at the Scene of the Crime...

HNT - Sittin' By the Dock of the Bay

Lounging around one of the local Finger Lakes last week when I just had to sneak a peak at these buoys....

Happy HNT, Matey's!

and so... it goes.

Just checking in here. We have noticed that in the summer months (in this hemisphere), fewer people are blogging and probably fewer yet are reading. Still, I wanted to sneak in and give you some updates here.

Since we last filled you in, we managed to go out to dinner to celebrate our one year (always a perk when you can sit out in a public place and pretend to be normal), we had some wonderful days together in the pool just relaxing and drinking (some snoring, but wasn't me), incredible sex and lovemaking (different if you ask me) with details to follow on at least one of those sessions, and a "date" set for tomorrow.. out of town, away from the locals, just Mark and me enjoying the day and each other.

I think I appreciate what we have so much more after the time without him. Lots of questions still swirling about though.
Is it all perfect? Of course not.
Do I still have my moments? most definitely.
Is there still that lingering anxiety... always.
Do I love him? more than any man ever (with the exception of my Dad)
Do I ever feel guilty? Strangely, not so much about "the wife" but, about the kids.. oh yes.
Now that we are back together .. do I still go through batteries? Not as many but, every chance I get!

So.....for now, we forge ahead one day at a time. Enjoying how we bring out the best in each other whenever we are together.

Live, Love, Laugh!

That we do.

How does this happen?

  I woke up this morning to an email from our friend Leah over at Diary of a Late Starter:

Folks, Google have deleted my blog for reasons of SPAM.  As I've done nothing to warrant this I can only imagine someone's hacked into the account and has been sending stuff out in my name. 

 

If you've received anything, please will you tell me?

 

I'll try and set up the blog again but it will take a bit of time.  Jeez, I'm so mad about it - all that stuff from the past year has now gone including a host of followers.

 

Virtual hugs most welcome

 

L xxxxxx

Poor thing is devastated.  How does this happen?  Google randomly deletes your blog? She certainly wasn't writing or posting anything to warrant this. 


Anyway... stay aware and  just letting you know if you click her link and she's not there..

It wasn't her doing... it was someone or something...that deleted her with a click of a button..

Scary if you ask me!

Summer days.. drifting away.... HNT

It's summer here... pool is open, sun is shining, drink in hand...
Mark and I spend a lot of our time here in my pool but tonight,
I am alone so..
a solo HNT celebrating this wonderful season.

Next time Mark is here.. we promise to make it a 2-fer.

Click here for a different view

Following up on your comments

First of all, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone that has taken the time to comment and email us over the past many weeks, offering your sympathies for the passing of my Mom and to share your thoughts to Jen and I as we endured a very volatile period in our relationship during the past month or so. As you might expect, it has been a very difficult time for me and only now have I been able to pick myself up and address some of the points made by our loyal following during our breakup.

So yesterday's Recharging the Batteries post by Jen triggered a comment from Florida Dom, and I felt compelled to respond. FD: Your comment is a fair one and believe me when I tell you that thoughts of how fair I'm being with Jen, the Wife and the kids are all-consuming. Not to mention being fair to myself. I think about this almost non-stop.

But one point I feel obliged to counter -- a point made by almost everyone who has provided insight into my situation -- is that my kids are unhappy. They simply are not. And yes, I know the response will be that I'm just being blind to their unhappiness, but if there's one thing I DO know through all this is that my kids are some of the most balanced, well-adjusted kids I've ever known. Yes, my oldest is a teenager and has those issues to deal with, but there's no denying he's happy and content with his life. With my girls, it's unquestionable. Like I've told Jen so many times, I wish everyone could view a Web-cam into my world, and I think it wouldn't be long before you agree.

And that's what makes this all so difficult. If there was any hint whatsoever that any one of them was unhappy with their situation at home, I would make the break in a heartbeat. In fact, I would have done this months ago, probably before Jen and I even met. But at this particular moment - August 4, 2010 - my kids are the happiest kids in the world, and a sure-fire way of screwing that up would be for me to throw THIS hand-grenade in the room.

So please understand -- I know on the surface it appears that I'm being unfair to everyone, but its just not as simple as that. I never planned on getting myself into this situation, nor did Jen. It just ........ happened. And now we're both trying to work through it because the only thing we DO know is how much we love each other .. And in the end, that's what makes all the angst, all the heartache, and all the complications worth fighting for. I guarantee everyone -- this WILL work out - I've never been more confident of anything in my life.

Recharging the Batteries

So, we all know sex is amazing but, there is nothing like 'make up' sex. That urgency to feel each other again after that time apart.. it's like an itch that needs to be scratched.

After deciding to hang in there for the year, giving Mark time to get his ducks in a row...knowing we were emotionally back together, we looked forward to the opportunity to 'reconnect' physically as well. We had a running joke about how many batteries I had been through during the course of the break up and although funny... it was absolutely true. We were going to take pics of the empty Duracell packages in my nightstand to prove it. I am a girl who loves to pleasure and be pleasured, even if it comes in the form of a plastic toy with varying speeds of vibrating power that make things quiver in very happy places. But, nothing compares to having Mark there, using all of his body parts to make me moan, scream, sigh and tremble. I was looking forward to being with him again almost as much as the first time we ever made love.

As we lay on my bed, we kissed as if we were savoring every second. Our tongues love to play, lick and our hands moved slowly over each other. I enjoy that light fingertip touch as they run over his arms, his back, along the insides of his thighs.. barely touching. Running softly over his cock bringing that moan from his lips and that twitch of his manhood making it harden for me. Mark whispers how much he has missed sucking my tits and he quickly moves over me... sliding his tongue between my cleavage. God, how I've missed him. Slowly clothes begin to hit the floor and we lay naked together. I feel the juices flowing when he closes his lips over my nipple and does that suck and nibble thing that drives me insane.

Moving down to taste me, he slides a finger inside and services my clit with his mouth and makes sure that I cum so hard he can't even touch me for a time as every nerve in my body seems to be standing on end. It's so hot how he moves up to kiss me so I can taste myself on his lips and he slips his finger between us so we can both lick it clean. I of course, have to return the favor because for me there is nothing as sexy as sucking and licking him to a frenzy. When my mouth hovers over him.. I love to blow across the head before my tongue slips in for the attack. His hips pushing up towards my mouth as he eagerly wants to be deep in my throat.

Mark asked if we could fuck on the floor... one of those things on our bucket list... and that we did. This is when the lovemaking turned to sex. That need to be satisfied overtakes all sense of being proper. When we collapsed in a heap on the floor, we were spent and sated.. We also left quite the mess on the carpet for me to clean up the next day.

Our time together is like none I have had before. It's not just sexual, it's emotional, loving and the best part of any day is the time we are together. We loved our reunion so much.. we did it again the next day...

and the next.

Why Let it Go?

We apologize for taking so long to bring you up to date regarding our relationship, but things kind of took on a life of their own and unforeseen complications made us put the blog on a back burner for a bit. Let me bring you up to speed.

Early in our relationship Mark's Mom had been complaining of back pain. On Dec.23rd Mark got the call from his sister that it was cancer. So despite having to deal with all the other issues at hand, he was also doing the Dr./chemo thing with his Mom. Early test results after the first round of chemo seemed promising, so we had great hope.

As so often happens with this dreadful disease, it made it's comeback with a vengeance and Mark's poor Mom began to falter. Not eating, long bouts of just sleeping, constant pain and his poor Dad who appears in the early stages of some sort of dementia, unable to remember from day to day that his poor wife was dying. This all came to a head right after our break up as she became so weak she entered the Hospice facility. Mark was with her every free moment, along with his family. We have often stated that over this last year, we have not just become lovers, but each others best friend. Mark has lost contact with most of his good friends over the years because the wife felt his time with them was “ruining the marriage”. We still needed and wanted to share our good and bad moments, especially this turn of events.. so, we stayed in touch as he kept me updated.

The days following the break up were brutal for both of us. I cried most of the weekend.. wavering between how much I missed him and how I felt I was doing the best thing for him and for me. How could this be right if it felt so bad? The big picture of giving him his family back was getting harder to see. Days went on... we kept in touch via IM or text as his Mom became less responsive, Mark began to realize that she may not survive this much longer, all of this just days after our break up.

Now...add to that .. I started having 'female' problems. At 50 I was hoping I was done with this stuff, but.. not me. . I thought these problems were just due to the stress of all that was going on but finally after chatting with Mark I gave in and made an appointment with my Gyn. I came to find some heartbreaking and disturbing news and I had no one I wanted to talk to more than my best friend. We finally decided to see each other and made a date for lunch the next day..

I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw him, but I knew my heart was pounding in my chest in anticipation. We were going through so many different emotional loops between the break up, his mother and my issues. I was outside as his car pulled up.. and the minute he walked out of the car and toward me.. I couldn't keep myself from wrapping my arms around him for one of my favorite Mark hugs. No fear, no doubts, no cares or concerns … all I knew was, this is the best place in the world to be and nothing felt more right. As we sat and talked, it wasn't long before we talked about the promises we made... the year long plan and our future to be together. My therapist said I had lost that sparkle in my eyes.. but, being with Mark for that first time in awhile made everything all right. .

Mark's Mom passed away a few days ago.. and I know he is grieving and needs his family around him.. I know that my being there for him then and now helped to make this a tiny bit easier.. but, now we get back to life. We are back to “US” for we both realized that when we are together...

All is right with the world.

Can You Stop the Rain?

Now where did we leave off? Ahhhh yes ... that Monday night when I had "the talk" with The Wife. Well, the attempted talk, that is. And still no resolution on the status of our so-called marriage.

So as Jen described in her post, I kept her abreast of what was going on through a series of texts that night. And while I could tell she truly felt my pain - as she had lived through nights like these so many times with her ex -- I still knew in my heart that this would likely be the straw that broke the camels back ... That finally pushed her over the edge and to the point where she would say "I just can't take it any more". And of course -- as is well-documented in my posts here -- with her appointment with her therapist looming only 3 days away, I just knew it would get worse long before it would have any chance to get better.

So a couple days - Tuesday and Wednesday -- were spent on pins and needles. There really was no sense in wallowing in small talk and relationship building, since Therapy Thursday would render all that meaningless anyway. So we bode our time until her appointment that mid-Thursday afternoon.

And I waited ... and waited ... the appointment came and went and I monitored my Yahoo IM account at work waiting for her to come online, not really being able to focus on anything work-related. And eventually, there she appeared. We chatted briefly online, then she called me.. And for awhile we talked about anything BUT what was said in her session, making mostly small talk about some problems she was having with her swimming pool.

But as the conversation waned, I knew there was no point in delaying the inevitable. I asked "So I understand if you don't want to talk about this now or on the phone, but we're going to have to eventually. How did your appointment go?"

And then I could her her sniffling, the tears, and the pain in her crackling voice when she finally said "I think I'm going to have to take a break from all this .. I just can't take this anymore..."

And from there the conversation continued for awhile, but we knew as we spoke that this would probably be the last time we talked ... So we hung on -- for quite awhile .. But finally, our goodbye's were said ...

And the phone clicked.... And the IM account went dark. And the cell phone didn't vibrate anymore ..

I made my way through the rest of that Thursday late-afternoon better than I expected, having a million other things to distract me that early evening, but finally I found myself alone in my car driving home from a youth baseball meeting. And to keep my mind off everything, I was listening to the NBA Draft on my SiriusXM satellite radio. But then - like a fool - I pushed the preset for the Love Channel .. And when Peabo Bryson's "Can You Stop the Rain" started to play, it finally hit me all at once ...

Baby, can you stop the rain from falling?
Won't you chase my clouds away?
I'd give anything to see the sun again,
Only you can stop these tears from falling

Only then did I realize ... she's gone .... And I sobbed uncontrollably the rest of the drive home.

Thursday turned to Friday .. which turned to Saturday ... and then?

Funny thing, those clouds started breaking up....

One year ago today...

Yes, July 19th, 2009 .... I threw caution to the wind, opened my wallet, and spent 5 credits on this AM message to a certain Wide Eyed Wonder .... The rest of course, is history.

Subject: The only words that you can hear, is when I whisper in your ear...

I was just reading your profile, and those words popped into my head from Herman's Hermit's "Kind of Hush".. But it's probably a little early in our relationship to finish the lyric to that line, don't you think? HAH!!!!

So anyway, how is your search going here on Ashley? I've had limited success, and by success I mean a handful of email exchanges. Nothing more than that... Hopefully, I have better luck this time.

Anyway, I'm married of course and looking to stay that way, but there is a heck of a lot missing at home, both physically and emotionally. But you've probably heard that story before, haven't you? But no matter what, every situation is unique, so I'd love to tell you my story someday. And more than that, I'd like to hear yours. Hopefully you'll respond to my message and we can be on our merry way. I'm very responsive to emails as I'm near a computer almost 24 hours a day, so I'd enjoy hearing more from you. And I'd be more than happy to provide you a pic after an email or two, just till I can convince myself you're not a) my neighbor, b) my wife -- UGH!!! or c) the woman that works in the office next to me. Yeah, maybe I'm a little paranoid, but you never know with these things!!!

Hope you're having a good day, and I hope to hear more from you.

"Just don't give up, I'm working it out...Please don't give in, I won't let you down"

These words really hit home... especially now...



Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don't give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

(So hey) just don't give up
I'm workin it out
Please don't give in,
I won't let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, i won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

Monday mornin' couldn't guarantee.....

That Monday evening, you would still be here with me...

- Mama's and the Papa's (showing my age)

First off.. many thanks to our "friends" who have offered advice and words of support either via email or comment. It really does mean a whole lot to both of us. We have come to see how lucky we are to have so many folks who truly care about what becomes of us. We will continue to keep you updated but we still have that week to tell you about...

That Monday...( from my end.)


We both already told you about Mark's terrible Father's Day. I received texts from him all day saying how miserable he was, how upset his youngest was, and how it was still only midafternoon by that point. I of course felt so bad for him.. and yet, so helpless. I just reminded him how much I loved him and if he needed me.. I was a phone call away.


Our Monday lunch was in our favorite park, in our favorite spot.. on our blanket. We have spent many an hour there this past year... getting to know each other, kissing, talking, laughing and yes, even eating. The feel of this day was so very different. He wasn't his usual happy self. The day before had def sent some wheels in motion and I didn't know what to think. I certainly didn't sit down on that blanket that day thinking, this may be the last time I see him.


But, as the conversation began.. and he told me of the sobbing of his daughter as the wife and he fought.. and how he realized what a different person he had become. At that point, my heart sank. He used to tell me he was a different person with me than at home.. but, that I saw the good side of Mark.. At home, he was quiet and careful not to say or do anything to set things off. He and 'the wife' seldom talked about anything he said.. but, he and I talked about everything. Suddenly, I felt the hammer drop. He wasn't happy. He hurt seeing his child in pain.. and he didn't like fighting back and making that happen. Mark is much like I was in my marriage.. the peacekeeper. Don't make waves.. just make sure everyone thinks everything is ok, and maybe it will be.


What do I say? From the tone of the conversation, this was going to end poorly for me. I could feel the “I can't leave my kids” coming from his mouth.. although he couldn't form the words to say it. I kept saying, 'you won't lose your kids.. they will always be your kids'.. but, when he said.. “Allison (middle child) still comes to kiss me goodnight every night” with tears in his eyes... I knew, I was foolish to keep fighting. I cried as I told him that, I needed to stop this then. I couldn't continue to hurt him, his kids and even his wife or myself. I felt like it was what he wanted to hear. No more feeling guilty about me or them. I was freeing him... for what I felt was a life of misery.. or a pretend life of happiness... BUT, I was sure it was what he wanted.


Then again, maybe I was wrong. He begged me to give him time to talk to her. He promised that he was finally ready to ask her what she wanted of him .. of them. He was hoping I am sure that she would say.. “I want you to move out”.. but, we all knew that wasn't coming. She stands to lose too much. So, yes... she deflected the whole conversation to what HE was doing to make them miserable.


The sad thing is... he bought in to it. Blamed himself for their terrible marriage because he has emotionally checked out after years of unhappiness. His last text came to me at about 1am... my heart broke for him as I read it.. it was so apparent how drained he was. I heard the beep of my phone and opened my eyes to see:

“I wish I were dead”

I cried myself back to sleep.

It's so funny, how we don't talk anymore...

Cliff Richard.... Wow .. that's really reaching back .. Into the 70s, I think.

As you may recall from my last post, Jen suggested it was time for me to sit down with The Wife and have "the talk" -- the "what do you want from me and where is this marriage going?" talk. Now Jen has been urging me to do this for a while now -- not just for her own peace of mind, but for mine as well. So the Monday after the Father's Day Debacle, I decided that time had come and I would talk to her that evening after the kids went to bed.

And one thing leads to another that afternoon and evening, one distraction after another, and the next thing you know I'm snoring away on my bed by 9pm. The talk still hasn't happened. But around 11:30 I awake to find her yelling at me over some non-nonsensical minutiae, and despite being exhausted beyond words, I knew I had to initiate "The Talk".

It's at this point I'd like to harken back on a comment that our good friend nitebyrd made to my previous post: "I hope that your wife will not just hear your words to her but will also listen to you". Well, THAT turned out to be a complete fantasy. I started the conversation with a "We've got to talk .. We have some REAL problems here..." and was hoping that she'd have one ounce of sympathy in her to say "Yeah, you're right -- what's the end game here?" or something to that effect, but no .. she immediately adopted a confrontational position. Ain't no "listening" going on here. I tried to be calm .. I tried to be rationale .. I tried to discuss things like an adult ... but she would have none of THAT. Everything was thrown back in my face -- how miserable I've been lately, how emotionally removed I had been from the family for quite some time -- all the things I KNOW I had admittedly become were just being rehashed and regurgitated back at me without one concern whatsoever as to WHY I had been acting that way. And when I tried to explain .. when I made remarks like "You know, you are the one and only person in this whole world that I simply can not talk to .. not even have a conversation with .. its been that way for years", she would have none of that. She could have cared less about the root cause of the problem -- all she knew was that I was the one that was going to have to change. And this confrontation went on for well over an hour. By 1am I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and had to get to sleep.

And STILL .. no resolution. Nothing had changed... And now my focus was how was I going to explain this to Jen? I didn't have the answer I was looking for .. Jen certainly wasn't going to have the answer SHE was looking for .... AND ....

...the appointment with her therapist was looming just two days away. I was wound tighter than a drum. I was beaten down physically and emotionally over a 48 hour period and I knew .. I just KNEW .. that the week was going to get worse.

And my instincts were spot on.

So many tears I've cried, so much pain inside

...but baby it ain't over 'till it's over. Lenny Kravitz.

Well, by now you've all heard what's transpired over the past couple of weeks between Jen and I. And I want to take the time to thank everyone for their heartfelt thoughts, kind words and yes -- even the "I told you so's" Some of the emails Jen received have been incredible, not only in their length but in how much thought and emotion was put into them . .. Jen passed many of them along to me, as so many of the comments were about my family situation and how many of you have gone through similar trials and tribulations at home with the spouse and kids.

But here's an attempt to tell my side of the story over what happened a couple of weeks ago ... As Jen explained, it all started when The Wife made my Father's Day absolutely miserable when she started a fight over an incredibly minor event in the car on the way home from my daughter's soccer game. She was screaming at me, I returned the favor, and my daughter got terribly upset over the whole thing. I never saw her react like this .. she was just sobbing uncontrollably over seeing her parents carry on like that and her crying continued on long after we arrived home.

That shook me ... I slumped in a chair in the garage and texted Jen, telling her World War III had just erupted. Jen was upset that my Father's Day was ruined and I was livid that the wife had let such a minor transgression (answering the cell phone while driving) ruin the entire day. And then it got me thinking. Yes, the wife is brutally overbearing, controlling and downright intolerable. And screaming at me or the kids at the top of her lungs is status quo -- just another day at the office.. But the difference this time was how I reacted, screaming right back at her. Despite the fact it was well deserved and a long time coming, still and all it was out of character for me .. And it started me thinking about how outside of my time spent with Jen, how irritable and downright miserable I've become over the past month or so.

Like I've said before -- I've put myself in a position where I'm not making anyone happy. I try to move heaven and earth to see Jen each and every day, and while successful 90% of the time it still isn't enough. Not for her and not for me as well. You see, I WANT to spend more time with her and each and every time I'm with the family doing this and that I find my mind wandering, thinking about how much I want to be with her. And because I want to be elsewhere, in the here-and-now I've become incredibly irritable, snapping back at the wife (never the kids) whether she deserves it or not. (Editors Note: she usually does). So the wife's sure not happy with me, and neither is Jen.. The wife certainly notices my mood changes, as I've become quite a different person at home since I met Jen. So now on this Father's Day, it's all coming to a head ... I have no idea the person I've become, and it's all crashing down around me..

So I meet Jen for lunch the next day, and sure enough she can tell I'm not myself. My mind is still on the Father's Day Debacle, and she can sense I'm troubled by everything -- not only with my home life, but my relationship with her. So we both agree -- I've got to sit down and talk with the wife that night and find out where this marriage is going. What does she want from me? What do I want from her? All the questions that have burning inside me .. .burning inside Jen .. it was time to bring that all out on the table....

And what happened that night set off a whole series of events that ultimately culminated in that fateful, post-therapy phone call from Jen when she tearfully told me "I think I need to take a break from all this..."

And thus, the "breakup". Quotes intentional.

More to come ...

Within you, without you....

"and life flows on within you and without you" George Harrison

It's been rather quiet you may have noticed.

Things took a rather sharp right turn in the "saga of Mark and Jen"... notably.. a break down and break up.

I have been on this tumultuous ride.. emotionally. As Mark always says.. 'our high are high but, our lows are low.' It's been stated before how lonely I get and despite Marks efforts to make some time for me everyday.. the alone time, especially when the weather starts to get nice, gets harder.

You want to be out in the park with your guy, at the outdoor concerts, strolling along the river, hanging out with your friends in the backyard around a fire with a beer. This time of year is very exhausting for Mark.. he is involved in so many of his kids activities (and his children are very active) meaning, he is running morning til night. Add to that the fact that his job is stressful and his Mom is very ill and the man is carrying a heavy load. Now, also in the plus column.. put a girlfriend who wants more of your time and this whole equation gets almost impossible to solve... way too many variables.

The decision for us to take a break came after he had a rough Father's Day. I won't get into specifics but "the wife" made the day miserable for him... He texted me several times saying what a terrible day it was. My heart sank.. but, helpless all I could do was offer kind words and an ear. I thought he had reached a breaking point.

We spent the next day on our blanket having lunch and chatting about the past week and the events of the previous day. My emotional state has been on a sense of high alert for awhile... and an upcoming therapy appointment always adds to my anxiety. She knows of my affair and after having seen me through my terrible marriage and helping me be strong enough to get out of that.. she certainly feels I am sabotaging my life and setting myself up for major heartbreak. Therefore, I get very wound up for days before I know I am seeing her.

Let's fast forward and save you ALL the torrid details...
Monday.. the blanket session ended with tears and me accusing Mark of never being able to leave if after that Fathers Day fiasco.. he could still walk back into the house everyday like nothing happened. He asked for a day to talk to her.. and see if she wanted out as much as he did. I agreed to that. The "talk" turned into a battle and she just ran him over.. but, pretty much summed it up as.. let's just get along for the kids.
Tuesday ... nothing.. Mark is still reeling and trying to sort this all out.
Wednesday... I take the day off to work on some house stuff.. which also turns out to be impossible and expensive. In frustration and tears... I leave the house for hours to sit in a park and watch people, couples and families... enjoy life.
Thursday... we have an incredible morning together.. making love for hours before we have to head off to work. My afternoon appointment looming.

It ends badly. My therapist makes so many points I can't counter or defend. Am I crazy? Affairs are so much easier when they are about the sex.. but.. when the heart takes over.. they don't work. Marks LIFE is at home.. with his "wife" and 3 kids.. and I don't fit in anywhere there. I look terrible.. I feel terrible. Emotionally and physically.. I am drained and so is he. I need to give him back to them.. and move on.

SO, Thursday.. that was the decision I made.
Never did I imagine how hard that would be.

Seventh Inning Stretch

Took a little break from America's Favorite Pastime (ahem) to take this shot ...

Go Yanks!

Yes indeed, we're Yankee fans. Heck -- it sure beats being a Pirates' fan!

Don't forget to check out Osbasso and see who else is at bat.

Happy Father's Day !

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all you Dads out there.

If you don't think your job as Dad makes a difference... you couldn't be more wrong. I tell Mark all the time that .. My Dad is the greatest man I know. I am fortunate that he is still alive and kicking at 88.. although moving a bit slower and having had a few setbacks, his mind is still sharp as a tack.

My Dad was the kind of Dad that took me everywhere. We went fishing, to ball games, he taught me to throw and catch a baseball, how to golf, how to fix things, how to keep score as he coached my big brothers ball teams. He was patient and caring. I have the best memories of growing up with my Dad and I am so very grateful for all that he taught me and for still having him around. I was truly a Daddy's girl.
Maybe not every girl's dream is to find someone like her Dad but mine was.
After turning 50 I just didn't believe there was another guy out there like that...

until I met Mark.

Happy Fathers Day Sweetheart. <3

Woman vs. POOL

When I fought to keep my house in the divorce.. I knew it would be a LOT of work..

Among a large front lawn and upkeep.. we have a big inground pool in the back.

Last year, it began losing water, quickly. (imagine that! )I surmised after several experiments.. that the problem must be in the bottom drain. That led to the idea of draining the entire pool (9 ft deep in the deep end) to check out the possibility of a leak at the bottom.
Not an easy task.. the slope into the deep end is pretty steep and trying to get the dirty leaf infested water out so I could check the drain was a fight I was determined to win.

so.. in the battle of Woman vs. Pool.. looking at one of my bruises...

I have to say... POOL wins.

HNT - When I close my eyes...

If I could have just one wish,

I would wish to wake up everyday

to the sound of your breath on my neck,


the warmth of your lips on my cheek,

the touch of your fingers on my skin,

and the feel of your heart beating with mine...

Knowing that I could never find that feeling...

with anyone other than you.

~ Courtney Kuchta -

Yes, I admit it...

I am a chicken when it comes to certain things.

I may have mentioned in another post of things I hate, that I hate thunderstorms.

I know that most people languish in the beauty of lightning and the power of thunder, but for me... they just scare the bejeezus out of me. Even my kids enjoy sitting out on the porch watching the storm roll in while I try to find a way to distract myself from the flashes of light and the loud jolts of noise.

Last night I had one of those wake me from my sleep. As I lay there in bed, seeing the tiny sparks of light under my shade, anticipating the next crack of thunder.. I thought about how times like these.. it would be nice to have Mark near me, holding me, making love to me, comforting and protecting me from this crazy childish fear. I instead, turned on the television and watched homeowners looking to purchase their first home to keep my mind off the turmoil outside my walls.

How I wish I could enjoy storms like others do instead of dreading them. I wonder why people find them so fun when I just crumble at the first flash of lightning.

Looking at our weather report... could be a LONGGGG weekend for this gal!

HNT -- The gift... unwrapped

You all know that Mark celebrated a birthday a few weeks ago..

Part of his present was a couple pics from me...
you had the chance to see one had you clicked his birthday balloons.. and this is another..



Of course, the real treat was mine when Mark finally got to unwrap his present..

click away !!

I definitely think I got the better end of this deal

Happy HNT .. make sure you stop by and
pay homage to Osbasso !

With a Little Help From My Friends

Jen and I just wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone for the overwhelming response to our "State of The Relationship" posts at the end of last week. We were stunned by the quantity and quality of the heartfelt comments and the emails that many of you took the time to pen. Many of you telling similar stories, many of you simply offering words of encouragement. Some very familiar faces that we've chatted with so many times before, and some of you who have been quietly following our story, and chose these tandem of posts to voice your emotions. I won't list the names here, but you know who you are. We are trying hard to get back to each and every one of you, and are thoroughly enjoying the dialogue and the friendships we are establishing.

And as an update, Jen and I are stronger than ever. We spent a considerable amount of time together on Friday, and while these long holiday weekends without seeing each other would typically be very difficult for both of us to endure, we came out of it relatively unscathed and are looking forward to our time together today. And there's no doubt in my mind that all your comments and emails were a major factor in us getting through the weekend still very much in love. I often wonder, and I posted this question to Jen over the weekend, how different our relationship would be had we not started this blog. I can't say for sure if it would be any better or worse -- our relationship is stronger than that --- but it would definitely be .... different. But one thing is for sure, we would have missed out on a whole host of friendships. Just knowing that we're not on island here .. that there are couples out there going through similar circumstances.. learning how you dealt with it ...or didn't deal with it .. has made all the difference in the world.

Thanks again to everyone, and keep those comments and emails coming.. It means everything to us.

Mark & Jen

Help me if you can I'm feeling down .... (Mark's side)

So its been awhile since I wrote about anything with substance. After a few months of HNT's, toy reviews, sexcapade recaps, etc. Jen and I thought it was a good time to document the state of our relationship, i.e., where are we relative to "The Plan" we had discussed right after the holidays. We both wrote our posts in parallel, without consulting each other as to what we planned to write. Aside from the Beatles lyrics as post titles (I did see her "Ticket to Ride" title before I posted my story), any commonalities between our stories is purely coincidental. You can read them in any order .. Click here for Jen's side of the story.

What always drives these little re-evaluations we have is Jen's visit to her therapist. They are quite a traumatic event for her because frankly, the therapist isn't exactly president of the Mark "Fooled Around and Fell In Love" fan club. Personally, I just think she needs a Cyberglass G. So the appointment came and went and as always, Jen was very emotional afterward. So we got together the next day at her house, and while we didn't intend to discuss things, we just couldn't help ourselves and end up having a good cry over things.

So here's the latest... Somehow despite the fact that I'm married and rarely miss any of my kids sports activities and events at school (which include school softball, town softball, high school baseball, town baseball (coach), travel baseball (coach), girls basketball, high school fall basketball, high school summer basketball, ski club (chaperone), travel soccer, track, cross country (coach) and high school football - Oh my, this is starting to feel like a Barefoot Dreamer post!!! ), Jen and I still manage to get together almost every single weekday. Either for lunch, a late afternoon visit, mornings, or even sometimes in the evening -- somehow we pull it off almost every Monday through Friday. Now I'm sure any of you reading this that are in a similar situation are green with envy and saying to yourself "Wow! We only WISH we could spend that much time together... And you're complaining?" Well, the fact of the matter - yes - its just not enough. Weekends apart are brutal, and now heading into the summer months here in the Northeast where every church lawn fete, outdoor concert, art festival, backyard barbecue, 5K run and golf scramble is crammed into about 8 weekends of summer -- things that Jen and I can't do together -- its going to get worse before it gets better.

So all this has been weighing on her mind. And its weighing on my mind. Even though my weekends are incredibly busy, I find myself agonizing over wondering how SHE'S getting through it without me. Her kids are pretty much on their own, and it bothers me terribly knowing that she's spending a Saturday night or a Sunday afternoon alone. I keep replaying it over and over in my head -- "She deserves better than this.. She deserves to be out to dinner on a Saturday night. She deserves to be made love to on a Sunday morning. She deserves to be at the beach on a Sunday afternoon. We could be laying in bed together right now watching the Yankees game". I get so mad at myself for putting her in this situation, that it makes me cranky, irritable and basically unpleasant to be around on weekends. While I'm surrounded by so many people at all the activities I participate in, I feel so terribly alone.

And now what I've essentially done is put myself in a position where I can't make anyone happy. Jen's not happy when we're apart and the wife certainly isn't happy since I'm detached, cantankerous and ornery when I'm not with Jen. And what bothers me the most is I've invested so much of myself with Jen and with my family and what do I have to show for it? A bunch of unhappy people, is all.

And Jen's response to all this? "Then why Mark are we doing this to ourselves. Why CAN'T we both be happy, the only way we know how, which is together?" And my answer is still the same .. The same as it was in July of 2009 when we got into this, the same as it was during the Christmas holidays, the same as it is today heading into the summer.

My kids.

While my teenage son won't give me the time of day, my young girls still adore me. They were helping me in the yard this past weekend, giving me a hand in the garage -- things we have done together every spring since they were old enough to walk. Things they plan on doing with me next year and the year after that and the year after that. And I break down when I tell Jen this, but next spring when its time to do all these things again and I'm not there ..... Well ...... I can't even finish typing the sentence ...

And Jen will tearfully say to me "I can't ever see you leaving ..."

But that's where I disagree. You see, I can see myself leaving as that's why I got into this position in the first place. That's WHY I created the profile on Ashley Madison. I knew my marriage was essentially over and I wanted to position myself with someone that I could be with forever when the hammer finally came down on it. Now of course I had envisioned that would be 3, 4, heck .. 5 years down the road when the girls were off to college. But then Jen came along. And after 3 months I knew that I wanted to be with this woman forever ... starting NOW....

How long can I keep doing this to her? How many more lonely weekends can I make her endure? How many more sessions where the therapist asks her "So .... any update on THE PLAN? What has he done to change his situation?" And the answer is "nothing"? I know and understand I can't drag her along forever.

But then again -- I can't give her up. I can't even comprehend the thought of her not being in my life. It frightens me.. No ... it TERRIFIES me. Not only would I lose a lover .. the woman I have waited for all of my life .. I would lose my best friend. We have become such an integral part of each others lives .. to throw that all away and not have that to me is unthinkable.

And that's what drives me. I know in my heart-of-hearts that this fairy tale is all going to play out. Our dreams WILL come true. I've never been more confident of anything in my life.. But when prompted for some tangible evidence that I'm ready to move in that direction? Well, so far I haven't been able to produce anything. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

But I'm not giving it up. Ever.

She's got a ticket to ride.............. (Jen's side)

We apologize for not posting much of late, but our roller coaster ride (that we so often call this relationship) has been on a bumpy track these days. There have been so many day to day issues that become problems.. mostly for me of course. Mark has the glass half full outlook almost always. It is I who struggles with the emotional break downs. This past weekend as well as the one before have led to what has come close to our final goodbye. We decided to both post our separate feelings over the last couple weeks and the strain it has been for us in our different ways. So please read them both.

I struggle through weekends. I think I have mentioned that before. Not only because I don't get to see Mark, but the thoughts of the “family” time breaks my heart and my mood. Just a reminder of our situation... I am single, Mark is the married father of 3 kids all under the age of 14. Two of my young adult children still live with me, but they aren't hanging out with Mom these days. So visions of Mark with the family... visiting friends, or celebrating birthdays or graduations as I work in the yard or on the house alone oft times leads to dark days for this half of the equation. Consequently, my mood affects Mark and we are both end up feeling crappy due to my doldrums.

A couple weekends ago, as most weekends.. we weren't going to see each other. Mark was busy with kid/family/sport stuff.. Our usual Monday get together was hindered due to our work schedules.. I had the weekend blues. Mark tries hard to keep in contact with me via phone, text or IM. I seldom go more than a couple hours without some sort of update but, I was just feeling sorry for myself. While everyone else is having fun time.. I am alone and questioning everything. How can I be so loved by someone and still feel so alone? Didn’t I get out of an unhappy 25 year marriage so the last part of my life would be happy and peaceful? I keep hearing the words of my therapist saying..” He holds all the cards.. you do nothing but wait. How long are you going to let this tear you apart? What has he done to make you believe he will ever leave?” So many questions.. and I have no answers.

We finally got to have some time together Tuesday and I could barely look at him without welling up with tears. I truly feel that I am in a situation where I can't win. He loves his children more than life itself.. and who in their right mind could find fault with that?. I could tell by our conversation of that day if I asked him to choose, I would lose. I fear the outcome of this crazy ride.

After my second tough weekend, my morning email told of my frustration and how my strength and resolve were slipping. We met on our blanket.. in our spot for lunch. I pretty much offered to walk away. I told him how lonely I am.. My sadness at being a “non person” in his life. My jealousy that he had a whole other life without me. He confessed to lying to me about what he had done over the weekend in hopes of not ruining my day...his loneliness in his own home in a loveless marriage... how he struggles to make time with/for me and how it is never enough for me. So many confessions.. so many tears..I told him I knew he couldn't leave... and I knew how heartbroken he would be if he did. He cried as he told me a silly story about the girls and their excitement over the cleaning of the garage affirming my belief that they are his world and his happiness.

I know he is in a horrible place. He can't win. No matter what he chooses, someone gets hurt. It's either me or his girls. I am much too old and too wise (?) to think I could replace the hurt he would endure in not seeing them every morning.. or when he came home from work as they converge on him with their recaps of the day. I love him too much to ask him to leave. But, when he looked at me and asked me to just hang in there... I realized, I love him too much to say no. How long can I? Who knows.

*sigh* I never did like roller coasters.